I’m in the eye.
“Yeah, a few weeks. But, it’s no big deal. I really don’t care when he comes back since I don’t plan to see much of him.”
He lets out a low chuckle. “Sure, so now you’re lying to yourself?”
I roll my eyes. “It’s better than admitting the truth.”
“Maybe so, Sydneybeans, but you’re much smarter than that. Lies like that never end well. It’s better to cut the head off the snake now.”
The imagery of that makes me laugh. “I thought, by now, it wouldn’t bother me so much. I figured that I would be over him or that being close to him wouldn’t make me want to throw myself into his arms and beg him to love me again.”
He rests his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Only way to get over it is to finally deal with it. Go on to bed and rest. You’ll think better in the morning. He’s a fool if he doesn’t see the treasure you are.”
Jimmy is like a father to me. He’s been here each day since I was a little girl, and when my father took off fifteen years ago, Jimmy was who gave me paternal advice. When my father never came back, called, wrote, or sent smoke signals, it was Jimmy who made it hurt just a little less.
Although, no amount of love from him could save me from the pain I went through when I lost Declan.
“I wish I could say that any man felt that way, but they always leave.”
Jimmy shakes his head. “Not all, Bean.”
“You’re paid to love me,” I joke.
“Not nearly enough considering the trouble you get into. I seem to remember covering tread marks in the snow a few times when you snuck out.”
I smile, recalling that night. It was impossible to resist going to see Declan. At night, when I felt alone, it was his warmth I craved. I would cry, wishing my dad would come back and love me, while Dec held me close.
And then there were other times I simply wanted to make out with my very hot boyfriend. Still, Jimmy kept my secrets from my mother and then scolded me later.
“I’m not a little girl anymore, and you’re still here.”
He chuckles. “Now it seems I can’t imagine being anywhere else. Go on back to the house and sleep.”
My hand covers his and I nod. “I’ll head in soon.”
Jimmy knows better than to push. He pulls back, and I’m alone again. Maybe he’s right. I need to face Declan and be honest with him and myself. He broke me, and I’m not doing myself any favors by pretending otherwise.
I sit on the cool grass as the sun starts to come up over the tree line. Time passes as I watch the sky become painted in warm pinks and reds as the blues and blacks fade away and I let the new day wash over me. I can do this.
I’m smart, and I’ve gone places in my life too. For a small-town lawyer, I’m accomplished, and I help people. This farm helps people, and I do it all on my own.
“I am a treasure. I’m a good woman who loves you still. If you don’t see that, then screw you, Declan Arrowood!”
“Well, I’m sure we could arrange that,” he says from behind me.
No, no, no this isn’t happening.
I get to my feet, needing the height even though he towers over me. He has always been so tall and strong. It was what I loved. I was precious to him, and he always did what he could to make sure I knew it.
“It wasn’t an offer.”
He grins. “I know. I’m just trying to make light of it. Can we talk?”
All the bravado I had about being honest is gone. “I can’t. I have to get to work.”
“Just a few minutes, Syd. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d like to talk. We have a lot of time coming up that we’ll have to be around each other, and I’d like us to be civil.”
Like that’s ever going to happen.
“I don’t know that we’ll manage that.”
“Maybe not, but we can at least try.”
I release a heavy sigh. “Maybe.”
“I really did miss you,” he says, and a part of my cold heart thaws. “I know you’re worth everything, and …”
“And you let me go.”
His eyes close and then he clenches his fist. “It wasn’t what you thought.”
“It was exactly what I thought. You were done with me, and you threw me away! Just like my father did! You were exactly like him, Declan!”
“No! It was nothing like your father!” I see the devastation in his eyes and turn away.
It is the same thing. When he was through with me, he tossed me aside. “You say that, but you did exactly what you promised not to. You left without ever coming back.”
“I needed to!”
“Why? Why did you need to?”
I find myself inching closer to him as my anger grows.
“It doesn’t matter now.”
God, that’s where he’s wrong. “It matters to me. Do you understand I’ve spent years trying to understand it? There are no answers. No clues as to why. Just one day, you show up and decide we’re over.”
He shakes his head, seeming to grapple with whatever is on his mind. “I did what I had to.”
“What you had to? What the hell does that mean?” I yell and shove at his chest, but he steps with me, as though we’re two magnets being pulled.
Declan’s hand grips my wrist, thumb stroking tenderly over my rapid pulse. His voice is soft, but there’s a strain in the syllables as his eyes bore into mine. “I couldn’t hurt you again. I couldn’t … I had to stay away. But now ... now, I can’t.”
“Now you have
