“Tell me you don’t feel this, Bean.”
I close my eyes, knowing that I can’t see him when I lie. “I feel nothing.”
“Do you know what I feel?”
I still won’t look at him, but I’m not resisting as much as I should considering I still haven’t pulled my arm back.
He speaks quietly in the cool air as we stand at our pond, the place where everything began for us. “I feel like my heart is going to burst from beating so hard. I feel as though every nerve that has been dormant for years is awake. I feel the warmth of your breath, the way your pulse is quickening now, and God, Sydney, I know I should stay away from you, but …”
My eyes open, and those piercing green eyes stare back at me. I know what’s coming. He’s giving me an out, but I’m unable to take it. His arms wrap around me, and then Declan kisses me.
His kiss feels like home. It’s as though every old memory is passing between our breaths, full of hope and forgiveness.
Every piece of anger and frustration I had is gone. I can’t remember why I hate him. I can’t think of anything but how for eight, long years I’ve wanted this.
Declan’s hands cradle my face, tilting my head to get the right angle. Each brush of his tongue against mine wipes away another piece of the hurt. I’m a fool, I know this. Even in the back of my mind, I hear the little voice telling me to stop him, but I silence it.
I’ve needed to touch him and have him. He’s the only man I’ve ever made love to.
It’s been so long—far too long, and God, right now, I want him more than self-preservation.
He moves his hands down to my neck and then my shoulders, pulling me closer to his chest. My fingers grip his shirt, refusing to relax even an inch. I won’t let him go this time. I can’t.
I wasn’t lying when I told Ellie that I’ve dreamed and hoped he and I would find a way to have each other again. And if this is all I’ll ever get, I won’t waste it. I kiss him back, pouring every emotion I’ve felt since the day he left into the kiss.
“Declan,” I say as I slide my hands around to his back. He is solid and sure. I need this. “Please.”
“Don’t beg, Syd. I can’t …”
Our foreheads touch as we struggle for breath. “I’m not begging, just asking.”
His beautiful green eyes find mine, searching for something. “What are you asking for?”
I know better than to ask for his heart, and I’m smart enough to know that this … this will never work. We’re too broken and too much time has gone by. I may always love Declan, but I can never trust him not to hurt me.
I think about what it is I need—goodbye.
“Love me for right now so we can finally let go.”
I consider myself a smart woman. I usually make good choices and follow a set of morals that my mother worked very hard to instill in me.
Right now, I’m the dumbest girl who ever lived. Here I am, on the grass by this stupid pond with our discarded clothes as a blanket, and I’m naked—with Declan.
The only other possible excuse is that I’m in a second dimension and this isn’t really happening.
Yes, that must be it because there’s really no other reason to explain why Declan is on top of me, struggling to catch his breath after we had sex.
God, I had sex with Declan.
What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking, that’s for damn sure. I convinced myself this was, what? Goodbye sex? Some weird version of closure and not because I’m lonely and miss his stupid ass? I know better than this.
Maybe this is a dream? A really vivid one, but maybe I didn’t do this …
I lift my fingers and pinch him. “Ouch! What was that for?”
Yup, he’s real, and this really happened. “Checking if this was a dream.”
He looks down at me. “It was real.”
I shove him, and he accommodates me by moving to the side. “Great.”
This was a mistake, and I need to get out of here. I grab my shirt, which is cold from being on the ground, and pull it back on before turning to look for my pants.
“Syd.” His voice slides over my name.
“It’s fine. We’re fine. It’ll be fine. As soon as I find my pants.” Seriously, did they disintegrate when he touched them? I get to my feet and start to look around, hating the tears that burn in the backs of my eyes.
I’m so angry that all it took was one kiss for me to lose my mind completely and conjure all kinds of excuses as to why this was okay. He’s never going to stay in Sugarloaf, and I’m sure as hell never leaving. Not that he’s offering anything anyway.
Jesus, get it together, Syd.
“I came here to talk … I don’t know how we …”
I turn quickly, my hair fanning out and then slapping me in the face. “How we what? Ended up naked and screwing like teenagers in the freaking wide open?”
He runs his hand down his face, looking disheveled and irresistible. “I was going to say ended up here, but that’s fine too.”
I glare at him and then go back to my task.
My hands are shaking, and I refuse to think about what any of it means or what the hell I did. I have to work today. Plus, I wanted closure, so I’m going to take this as my opportunity to slam the proverbial door and leave.
“It’s not like we haven’t done this many times here at the pond before. It always worked when we were teenagers.”
“You know what doesn’t work? No pants!” I yell as my emotions boil over. “I need to get out of here and call a shrink because
