The Country Wife

being knighted in a play, and dubbed a fool. Dorilant Blame ’em not, they must follow their copy, the age. Harcourt But why shouldst thou be afraid of being in a play, who expose yourself every day in the playhouses, and at public places? Horner ’Tis but being on the stage, instead of standing on a bench in the pit. Dorilant Don’t you give money to painters to draw you like? and are you afraid of your pictures at length in a playhouse, where all your mistresses may see you? Sparkish A pox! painters don’t draw the smallpox or pimples in one’s face. Come, damn all your silly authors whatever, all books and booksellers, by the world; and all readers, courteous or uncourteous! Harcourt But who comes here, Sparkish? Enter Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife in man’s clothes, Alithea and Lucy. Sparkish Oh, hide me! There’s my mistress too. Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt. Harcourt She sees you. Sparkish But I will not see her. ’Tis time to go to Whitehall, and I must not fail the drawing-room. Harcourt Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her. Sparkish Another time. Faith, the king will have supped. Harcourt Not with the worse stomach for thy absence. Thou art one of those fools that think their attendance at the king’s meals as necessary as his physicians, when you are more troublesome to him than his doctors or his dogs. Sparkish Pshaw! I know my interest, sir. Prithee hide me. Horner Your servant, Pinchwife.⁠—What, he knows us not! Pinchwife Come along. To his Wife aside. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray, have you any ballads? give me sixpenny worth. Bookseller We have no ballads. Mrs. Pinchwife Then give me Covent Garden Drollery, and a play or two⁠—Oh, here’s Tarugo’s Wiles, and The Slighted Maiden;7 I’ll have them. Pinchwife No; plays are not for your reading. Come along; will you discover yourself? Apart to her. Horner Who is that pretty youth with him, Sparkish? Sparkish I believe his wife’s brother, because he’s something like her: but I never saw her but once. Horner Extremely handsome; I have seen a face like it too. Let us follow ’em. Exeunt Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife, Pinchwife, Alithea, and Lucy; Horner and Dorilant following them. Harcourt Come, Sparkish, your mistress saw you, and will be angry you go not to her. Besides, I would fain be reconciled to her, which none but you can do, dear friend. Sparkish Well, that’s a better reason, dear friend. I would not go near her now for her’s or my own sake; but I can deny you nothing: for though I have known thee a great while, never go, if I do not love thee as well as a new acquaintance. Harcourt I am obliged to you indeed, dear friend. I would be well with her, only to be well with thee still; for these ties to wives usually dissolve all ties to friends. I would be contented she should enjoy you a-nights, but I would have you to myself a-days as I have had, dear friend. Sparkish And thou shalt enjoy me a-days, dear, dear friend, never stir: and I’ll be divorced from her, sooner than from thee. Come along. Harcourt Aside. So, we are hard put to’t, when we make our rival our procurer; but neither she nor her brother would let me come near her now. When all’s done, a rival is the best cloak to steal to a mistress under, without suspicion; and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other cloaks. Exit Sparkish, Harcourt following him. Re-enter Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife. Pinchwife To Alithea. Sister, if you will not go, we must leave you.⁠—Aside. The fool her gallant and she will muster up all the young saunterers of this place, and they will leave their dear sempstresses to follow us. What a swarm of cuckolds and cuckold-makers are here!⁠—Come, let’s be gone, Mistress Margery. Mrs. Pinchwife Don’t you believe that; I han’t half my bellyfull of sights yet. Pinchwife Then walk this way. Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! stay⁠—the Bull’s-Head, the Ram’s-Head, and the Stag’s-Head, dear⁠— Pinchwife Nay, if every husband’s proper sign here were visible, they would be all alike. Mrs. Pinchwife What d’ye mean by that, bud? Pinchwife ’Tis no matter⁠—no matter, bud. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray tell me: nay, I will know. Pinchwife They would be all Bulls, Stags, and Rams-heads. Exeunt Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife. Re-enter Sparkish, Harcourt, Alithea, and Lucy, at the other side. Sparkish Come, dear madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him. Alithea For your sake I hate him. Harcourt That’s something too cruel, madam, to hate me for his sake. Sparkish Ay indeed, madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my friend for my sake. Alithea I hate him because he is your enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me. Sparkish That’s a good one! I hate a man for loving you! If he did love you, ’tis but what he can’t help; and ’tis your fault, not his, if he admires you. I hate a man for being of my opinion! I’ll n’er do’t, by the world. Alithea Is it for your honour, or mine, to suffer a man to make love to me, who am to marry you tomorrow? Sparkish Is it for your honour, or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you, is a sign you are handsome; and that I am not jealous, is a sign you are virtuous. That I think is for your honour. Alithea But ’tis your honour too I am concerned for. Harcourt But why, dearest madam, will you be more concerned for his honour than he is himself? Let his honour alone, for my sake and his. He! he has no honour⁠— Sparkish How’s that? Harcourt But what my dear friend can guard himself. Sparkish O ho⁠—that’s right again. Harcourt Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear