The Country Wife

reconciles the differences of the marriage bed; you know man and wife do not always agree; I design him for that use, therefore would have him well with my wife. Pinchwife A menial friend!⁠—you will get a great many menial friends, by showing your wife as you do. Sparkish What then? It may be I have a pleasure in’t, as I have to show fine clothes at a playhouse, the first day, and count money before poor rogues. Pinchwife He that shows his wife or money, will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes. Sparkish I love to be envied, and would not marry a wife that I alone could love; loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Is it not a frank age? and I am a frank person; and to tell you the truth, it may be, I love to have rivals in a wife, they make her seem to a man still but as a kept mistress; and so good night, for I must to Whitehall.⁠—Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my friend; and so I wish you a good night, madam, and sleep if you can: for tomorrow you know I must visit you early with a canonical gentleman. Good night, dear Harcourt. Exit. Harcourt Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit tomorrow, if it should be earlier with a canonical gentleman than Mr. Sparkish’s. Pinchwife This gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, sir. Coming between Alithea and Harcourt. Harcourt Must, sir? Pinchwife Yes, sir, she is my sister. Harcourt ’Tis well she is, sir⁠—for I must be her servant, sir.⁠—Madam⁠— Pinchwife Come away, sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd rake-hells, who seem to haunt us. Re-enter Horner and Dorilant. Horner How now, Pinchwife! Pinchwife Your servant. Horner What! I see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his horses, dogs, and his herds. Pinchwife I have business, sir, and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways. Horner Well, you may go on, but this pretty young gentleman⁠—Takes hold of Mrs. Pinchwife. Harcourt The lady⁠— Dorilant And the maid⁠— Horner Shall stay with us; for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure. Pinchwife ’Sdeath, he knows her, she carries it so sillily! yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first. Aside. Alithea Pray, let us go, sir. Pinchwife Come, come⁠— Horner To Mrs. Pinchwife. Had you not rather stay with us?⁠—Prithee, Pinchwife, who is this pretty young gentleman? Pinchwife One to whom I’m a guardian.⁠—Aside. I wish I could keep her out of your hands. Horner Who is he? I never saw anything so pretty in all my life. Pinchwife Pshaw! do not look upon him so much, he’s a poor bashful youth, you’ll put him out of countenance.⁠—Come away, brother. Offers to take her away. Horner O, your brother! Pinchwife Yes, my wife’s brother.⁠—Come, come, she’ll stay supper for us. Horner I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the play with, whom I told you I was in love with. Mrs. Pinchwife Aside. O jeminy! is that he that was in love with me? I am glad on’t, I vow, for he’s a curious fine gentleman, and I love him already, too.⁠—To Pinchwife. Is this he, bud? Pinchwife Come away, come away. To his Wife. Horner Why, what haste are you in? why won’t you let me talk with him? Pinchwife Because you’ll debauch him; he’s yet young and innocent, and I would not have him debauched for anything in the world.⁠—Aside. How she gazes on him! the devil! Horner Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that dowdy he told us of, his wife; did you ever see a lovelier creature? The rogue has reason to be jealous of his wife, since she is like him, for she would make all that see her in love with her. Harcourt And, as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be. Dorilant She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him. Horner Very pretty? a very pretty commendation!⁠—she is a glorious creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld. Pinchwife So, so. Harcourt More beautiful than a poet’s first mistress of imagination. Horner Or another man’s last mistress of flesh and blood. Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, now you jeer, sir; pray don’t jeer me. Pinchwife Come, come.⁠—Aside. By Heavens, she’ll discover herself! Horner I speak of your sister, sir. Pinchwife Ay, but saying she was handsome, if like him, made him blush.⁠—Aside. I am upon a rack! Horner Methinks he is so handsome he should not be a man. Pinchwife Aside. O, there ’tis out! he has discovered her! I am not able to suffer any longer.⁠—To his Wife. Come, come away, I say. Horner Nay, by your leave, sir, he shall not go yet.⁠—Aside to them. Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous rogue a little. Harcourt and Dorilant How? Horner I’ll show you. Pinchwife Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer; I tell you his sister stays supper for us. Horner Does she? Come then, we’ll all go to sup with he and thee. Pinchwife No, now I think on’t, having stayed so long for us, I warrant she’s gone to bed.⁠—Aside. I wish she and I were well out of their hands.⁠—To his Wife. Come, I must rise early tomorrow, come. Horner Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. But pray, young gentleman, present my humble service to her. Mrs. Pinchwife Thank you heartily, sir. Pinchwife Aside. ’Sdeath, she will discover herself yet in spite of me⁠—Aloud. He is something more civil to you, for your kindness to his sister, than I am, it seems. Horner Tell her, dear sweet little gentleman, for all your brother there, that you have revived the love I