The Country Wife

him win the first stake of love, by the world. But come, they stay dinner for us: come, I’ll lead down our Margery. Pinchwife No⁠—sir, go, we’ll follow you. Sparkish I will not wag without you. Pinchwife This coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world. Aside. Sparkish Come, come, Madam Margery. Pinchwife No; I’ll lead her my way: what, would you treat your friends with mine, for want of your own wife?⁠—Leads her to the other door, and locks her in and returns. I am contented my rage should take breath⁠—Aside. Sparkish I told Horner this. Pinchwife Come now. Sparkish Lord, how shy you are of your wife! but let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that cuckolding, like the smallpox, comes with a fear; and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to’t, she’ll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they. Pinchwife

Aside. What a thing is a cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous!⁠—Aloud. Well, sir⁠—but let me advise you, now you are come to be concerned, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the malady will light upon your own head, for

Hows’e’er the kind wife’s belly comes to swell,
The husband breeds for her, and first is ill.

Exeunt.

Act V

Scene I

Pinchwife’s House.

	Enter Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife. A table and candle.
Pinchwife	Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.⁠—Lays his hand on his sword. Write what was to follow⁠—let’s see⁠—“You must make haste, and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be forever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our”⁠—What follows “our”?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Must all out, then, bud?⁠—Look you there, then. Mrs. Pinchwife takes the pen and writes.
Pinchwife	Let’s see⁠—“For I can defer no longer our⁠—wedding⁠—Your slighted Alithea.”⁠—What’s the meaning of this? my sister’s name to’t? speak, unriddle.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Yes, indeed, bud.
Pinchwife	But why her name to’t? speak⁠—speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Ay, but you’ll tell her then again. If you would not tell her again⁠—
Pinchwife	I will not:⁠—I am stunned, my head turns round.⁠—Speak.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Won’t you tell her, indeed, and indeed?
Pinchwife	No; speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinchwife	She’ll be angry with me; but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and, to tell you the truth, ’twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.
Pinchwife	Aside. Ha!⁠—I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.⁠—Aloud. Could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?
Mrs. Pinchwife	O, through the keyhole, bud.
Pinchwife	But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Why, she said because⁠—for I was unwilling to do it⁠—
Pinchwife	Because what⁠—because?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Because, lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her; or be vain afterwards, and show the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.
Pinchwife	Aside. How’s this? Ha!⁠—then I think I shall come to myself again.⁠—This changeling could not invent this lie: but if she could, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it.⁠—Stay⁠—now I think on’t too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish; and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner’s sake: yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools; women may well be so⁠—Aloud. But hark you, madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Alack-a-day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.
Pinchwife	Where is she? let me speak with her.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Aside. O Lord, then she’ll discover all!⁠—Aloud. Pray hold, bud; what, d’ye mean to discover me? she’ll know I have told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her first.
Pinchwife	I must speak with her, to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Pray, dear bud, don’t, till I have spoken with her, and told her that I have told you all; for she’ll kill me else.
Pinchwife	Go then, and bid her come out to me.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Yes, yes, bud.
Pinchwife	Let me see⁠—Pausing.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Aside. I’ll go, but she is not within to come to him: I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next; for I am e’en at my wit’s end.
	Exit.
Pinchwife	Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have her: I’d rather give him my sister than lend him my wife; and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I’ll make him of kin to her, and then he won’t care for her.
	Re-enter Mrs. Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinchwife	O Lord, bud! I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.
Pinchwife	Won’t she come hither?
Mrs. Pinchwife	No, no. Lack-a-day, she’s ashamed to look you in the face: and she says, if you go in to her, she’ll run away downstairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says; and she will have no other, so she won’t.
Pinchwife	Did he so?⁠—promise her marriage!⁠—then she shall have no other. Go tell her so; and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go.⁠—
	Exit Mrs. Pinchwife.
	His estate is equal to Sparkish’s, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I’d rather be akin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold.
	Re-enter