The Country Wife

married to him. Art thou sure ’twas Harcourt himself, and no parson, that married us? Sparkish No, madam, I thank you. I suppose, that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horner’s and yours, to make Harcourt play the parson; but I would as little as you have him one now, no, not for the world. For, shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you till now, for now I hate you. ’Tis true, I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the town do sometimes; and so, your servant. And to show my unconcernedness, I’ll come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy, as I would a stale wench to a new cully; nay, with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you. There’s for you; and so your servant, servant. Exit. Alithea How was I deceived in a man! Lucy You’ll believe then a fool may be made jealous now? for that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife, will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others. Alithea But marry Mr. Horner! my brother does not intend it, sure: if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr. Harcourt for my husband. And now I wish, that if there be any over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, would marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first, that her husband may love play, and be a cully to all the town but her, and suffer none but Fortune to be mistress of his purse; then, if for liberty, that he may send her into the country, under the conduct of some huswifely mother-in-law; and if for title, may the world give ’em none but that of cuckold. Lucy And for her greater curse, madam, may he not deserve it. Alithea Away, impertinent! Is not this my old Lady Lanterlu’s?15 Lucy Yes, madam.⁠—Aside. And here I hope we shall find Mr. Harcourt. Exeunt.

Scene IV

Horner’s Lodging. A table, banquet, and bottles.

	Enter Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish.
Horner	A pox! they are come too soon⁠—before I have sent back my new mistress. All that I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her. Aside.
Lady Fidget	That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolved to treat thee, dear toad.
Mrs. Dainty	And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jasper and my old Lady Squeamish, quarrelling at home at backgammon.
Mrs. Squeamish	Therefore let us make use of our time, lest they should chance to interrupt us.
Lady Fidget	Let us sit then.
Horner	First, that you may be private, let me lock this door and that, and I’ll wait upon you presently.
Lady Fidget	No, sir, shut ’em only, and your lips forever; for we must trust you as much as our women.
Horner	You know all vanity’s killed in me; I have no occasion for talking.
Lady Fidget	Now, ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.
Mrs. Dainty and Mrs. Squeamish	Agreed.
Lady Fidget	By this brimmer, for truth is nowhere else to be found⁠—Aside to Horner. not in thy heart, false man!
Horner	You have found me a true man, I’m sure. Aside to Lady Fidget.
Lady Fidget	Aside to Horner. Not every way.⁠—But let us sit and be merry. Sings. Why should our damned tyrants oblige us to live On the pittance of pleasure which they only give? We must not rejoice With wine and with noise: In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone, Whilst to our warm rival the bottle they’re gone. Then lay aside charms, And take up these arms.16 ’Tis wine only gives ’em their courage and wit; Because we live sober, to men we submit. If for beauties you’d pass, Take a lick of the glass, ’Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone, The best red we have is the red of the grape: Then, sisters, lay’t on, And damn a good shape.
Mrs. Dainty	Dear brimmer! Well, in token of our openness and plain-dealing, let us throw our masks over our heads.
Horner	So, ’twill come to the glasses anon. Aside.
Mrs. Squeamish	Lovely brimmer! let me enjoy him first.
Lady Fidget	No, I never part with a gallant till I’ve tried him. Dear brimmer! that makest our husbands shortsighted.
Mrs. Dainty	And our bashful gallants bold.
Mrs. Squeamish	And, for want of a gallant, the butler lovely in our eyes.⁠—Drink, eunuch.
Lady Fidget	Drink, thou representative of a husband.⁠—Damn a husband!
Mrs. Dainty	And, as it were a husband, an old keeper.
Mrs. Squeamish	And an old grandmother.
Horner	And an English bawd, and a French surgeon.
Lady Fidget	Ay, we have all reason to curse ’em.
Horner	For my sake, ladies?
Lady Fidget	No, for our own; for the first spoils all young gallants’ industry.
Mrs. Dainty	And the other’s art makes ’em bold only with common women.
Mrs. Squeamish	And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them, than of a denial amongst us.
Mrs. Dainty	The filthy toads choose mistresses now as they do stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.
Mrs. Squeamish	For being common and cheap.
Lady Fidget	Whilst women of quality, like the richest stuffs, lie untumbled, and unasked for.
Horner	Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best.
Mrs. Dainty	No, sir, the beasts will be known by a mistress longer than by a suit.
Mrs. Squeamish	And ’tis not for cheapness neither.
Lady Fidget	No; for the vain fops will take up druggets, and embroider ’em. But I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men; they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation. Pray tell me, beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment, than to be the only guest at a good table.
Horner	Why, faith, ceremony and expectation