The Country Wife

epub:type="z3998:persona">Pinchwife Aside. She’s unwilling, it seems, I should know all her indecent conduct in this business⁠—Aloud. Well then, I’ll leave you together, and hope when I am gone, you’ll agree; if not, you and I shan’t agree, sir. Horner What means the fool? if she and I agree ’tis no matter what you and I do. Whispers to Mrs. Pinchwife, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone. Pinchwife In the meantime I’ll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish, and disabuse him. You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then⁠—now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her⁠—our sisters and daughters, like usurers’ money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe, but in our closets under lock and key. Exit. Enter Boy. Boy Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up. Exit. Horner Here’s the trouble of a cuckold now we are talking of. A pox on him! has he not enough to do to hinder his wife’s sport, but he must other women’s too?⁠—Step in here, madam. Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Enter Sir Jasper Fidget. Sir Jasper My best and dearest friend. Horner Aside to Quack. The old style, doctor.⁠—Aloud. Well, be short, for I am busy. What would your impertinent wife have now? Sir Jasper Well guessed, i’faith; for I do come from her. Horner To invite me to supper! Tell her, I can’t come; go. Sir Jasper Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady, and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight in masquerade, and are all dressed already. Horner I shan’t be at home. Sir Jasper Aside. Lord, how churlish he is to women!⁠—Aloud. Nay, prithee don’t disappoint ’em; they’ll think ’tis my fault: prithee don’t. I’ll send in the banquet and the fiddles. But make no noise on’t; for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known, for the world, that they go a-masquerading; and they would come to no man’s ball but yours. Horner Well, well⁠—get you gone; and tell ’em, if they come, ’twill be at the peril of their honour and yours. Sir Jasper He! he! he!⁠—we’ll trust you for that: farewell. Exit. Horner

Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest,
But now I’m going to a private feast.

Exeunt.

Scene III

The Piazza of Covent Garden.

	Enter Sparkish with a letter in his hand, Pinchwife following.
Sparkish	But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me? By the world, I could not have thought it.
Pinchwife	You were for giving and taking liberty: she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.
Sparkish	Nay, if this be her hand⁠—for I never saw it.
Pinchwife	’Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no; I am sure this hand, at her desire, led her to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a parson to ’em at their desire too, to deprive you of her forever; for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.
Sparkish	Indeed, she would needs have it that ’twas Harcourt himself, in a parson’s habit, that married us; but I’m sure he told me ’twas his brother Ned.
Pinchwife	O, there ’tis out; and you were deceived, not she: for you are such a frank person. But I must be gone.⁠—You’ll find her at Mr. Horner’s. Go, and believe your eyes.
	Exit.
Sparkish	Nay, I’ll to her, and call her as many crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish names, as a poet would do a mistress who had refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on her.⁠—But stay, is not that she following a torch at t’other end of the Piazza? and from Horner’s certainly⁠—’tis so.
	Enter Alithea following a torch, and Lucy behind.
	You are well met, madam, though you don’t think so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr. Horner? but I suppose you’ll return to him presently, by that time the parson can be with him.
Alithea	Mr. Horner and the parson, sir!
Sparkish	Come, madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting; for I am no more a frank person.
Alithea	How’s this?
Lucy	So, ’twill work, I see. Aside.
Sparkish	Could you find out no easy country fool to abuse? none but me, a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! false as a friend that lends a man money to lose; false as dice, who undo those that trust all they have to ’em.
Lucy	He has been a great bubble, by his similes, as they say. Aside.
Alithea	You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding-dinner, sure.
Sparkish	What, d’ye mock me too?
Alithea	Or you have been deluded.
Sparkish	By you.
Alithea	Let me understand you.
Sparkish	Have you the confidence, (I should call it something else, since you know your guilt,) to stand my just reproaches? you did not write an impudent letter to Mr. Horner? who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival.
Lucy	D’ye think the gentleman can be jealous now, madam? Aside.
Alithea	I write a letter to Mr. Horner!
Sparkish	Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your brother showed it me just now; and told me likewise, he left you at Horner’s lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him; and I wish you joy, madam, joy, joy; and to him too, much joy; and to myself more joy, for not marrying you.
Alithea	Aside. So, I find my brother would break off the match; and I can consent to’t, since I see this gentleman can be made jealous.⁠—Aloud. O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy, he makes me almost afraid I am