The Country Wife

Mrs. Pinchwife. Well, what says she now? Mrs. Pinchwife Why, she says, she would only have you lead her to Horner’s lodging; with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talks with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can’t so much as look you in the face, therefore she’ll come to you in a mask. And you must excuse her, if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr. Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she’ll come out to you immediately. Pinchwife Let her come: I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her. Mrs. Pinchwife Oh, I forgot: besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask; therefore would desire you to put out the candle. Pinchwife I agree to all. Let her make haste.⁠—There, ’tis out⁠— Puts out the candle. Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. My case is something better: I’d rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister, than for lying with my wife; and of the two, I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well, wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort; but we find ’em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep ’em from lying with our wives. Re-enter Mrs. Pinchwife masked, and in hoods and scarfs, and a nightgown and petticoat of Alithea’s. What, are you come, sister? let us go then.⁠—But first, let me lock up my wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you? Mrs. Pinchwife Here, bud. Pinchwife Come hither, that I may lock you up: get you in.⁠—Locks the door. Come, sister, where are you now? Mrs. Pinchwife gives him her hand; but when he lets her go, she steals softly on to the other side of him, and is led away by him for his Sister, Alithea.

Scene II

Horner’s Lodging.

	Horner and Quack.
Quack	What, all alone? not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.
Horner	Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife’s spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad, hindering his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always.
Quack	And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.
Horner	A pox! keeping a cuckold company, after you have had his wife, is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town, when he has got all his money.
Quack	And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband.
Horner	Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for ’em, they can’t abide to come near him.
Quack	But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear! just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife?
Horner	A pox! he’s as surly as an alderman that has been bit; and since he’s so coy, his wife’s kindness is in vain, for she’s a silly innocent.
Quack	Did she not send you a letter by him?
Horner	Yes; but that’s a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close⁠—
Quack	Yes, so close, that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love; which two, when met, seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other.
Horner	What! here’s the man we are talking of, I think.
	Enter Pinchwife, leading in his Wife masked, muffled, and in her Sister’s gown.
	Pshaw!
Quack	Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love-letter from her.
Horner	What means this?
Pinchwife	The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love-letter; now, you see, a mistress; I think you’ll say I am a civil man to you.
Horner	Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civilest man I ever met with; and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter. But, hark thee, in thy ear⁠—
Pinchwife	What?
Horner	Nothing but the usual question, man: is she sound, on thy word?
Pinchwife	What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp?
Horner	Pshaw! wench and pimp, paw14 words; I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me, rather than let me make love to thy wife.
Pinchwife	Come, sir, in short, I am for no fooling.
Horner	Nor I neither: therefore prithee, let’s see her face presently. Make her show, man: art thou sure I don’t know her?
Pinchwife	I am sure you do know her.
Horner	A pox! why dost thou bring her to me then?
Pinchwife	Because she’s a relation of mine⁠—
Horner	Is she, faith, man? then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue.
Pinchwife	Who desired me to bring her to you.
Horner	Then she is obliging, dear rogue.
Pinchwife	You’ll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.
Horner	I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.
Pinchwife	Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me.
Horner	Madam⁠—Mrs. Pinchwife whispers to Horner. She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.