The Country Wife

gentleman come, whom you bid me not suffer to come up, without giving you notice, with a lady too, and other gentlemen. Horner Do you all go in there, whilst I send ’em away; and, boy, do you desire ’em to stay below till I come, which shall be immediately. Exeunt Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Squeamish, and Mrs. Dainty Fidget. Boy Yes, sir. Exit. Exit Horner at the other door, and returns with Mrs. Pinchwife. Horner You would not take my advice, to be gone home before your husband came back, he’ll now discover all; yet pray, my dearest, be persuaded to go home, and leave the rest to my management; I’ll let you down the back way. Mrs. Pinchwife I don’t know the way home, so I don’t. Horner My man shall wait upon you. Mrs. Pinchwife No, don’t you believe that I’ll go at all; what, are you weary of me already? Horner No, my life, ’tis that I may love you long, ’tis to secure my love, and your reputation with your husband; he’ll never receive you again else. Mrs. Pinchwife What care I? d’ye think to frighten me with that? I don’t intend to go to him again; you shall be my husband now. Horner I cannot be your husband, dearest, since you are married to him. Mrs. Pinchwife O, would you make me believe that? Don’t I see every day at London here, women leave their first husbands, and go and live with other men as their wives? pish, pshaw! you’d make me angry, but that I love you so mainly. Horner So, they are coming up⁠—In again, in, I hear ’em.⁠— Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Well, a silly mistress is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost, a man has scarce time for plunder; she betrays her husband first to her gallant, and then her gallant to her husband. Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a Parson. Pinchwife Come, madam, ’tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall persuade me I did not bring you hither just now; here’s my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted.⁠—Mr. Horner, did not I bring this lady to you just now? Horner Now must I wrong one woman for another’s sake⁠—but that’s no new thing with me, for in these cases I am still on the criminal’s side against the innocent. Aside. Alithea Pray speak, sir. Horner It must be so. I must be impudent, and try my luck; impudence uses to be too hard for truth. Aside. Pinchwife What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her! Speak, sir. Horner No, faith, I am something backward only to speak in women’s affairs or disputes. Pinchwife She bids you speak. Alithea Ay, pray, sir, do, pray satisfy him. Horner Then truly, you did bring that lady to me just now. Pinchwife O ho! Alithea How, sir? Harcourt How, Horner? Alithea What mean you, sir? I always took you for a man of honour. Horner Ay, so much a man of honour, that I must save my mistress, I thank you, come what will on’t. Aside. Sparkish So, if I had had her, she’d have made me believe the moon had been made of a Christmas pie. Lucy Now could I speak, if I durst, and solve the riddle, who am the author of it. Aside. Alithea O unfortunate woman! A combination against my honour! which most concerns me now, because you share in my disgrace, sir, and it is your censure, which I must now suffer, that troubles me, not theirs. Harcourt Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see ’tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous; I will not only believe your innocence myself, but make all the world believe it.⁠—Aside to Horner. Horner, I must now be concerned for this lady’s honour. Horner And I must be concerned for a lady’s honour too. Harcourt This lady has her honour, and I will protect it. Horner My lady has not her honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it. Harcourt I understand you not. Horner I would not have you. Mrs. Pinchwife What’s the matter with ’em all? Peeping in behind. Pinchwife Come, come, Mr. Horner, no more disputing; here’s the parson, I brought him not in vain. Harcourt No, sir, I’ll employ him, if this lady please. Pinchwife How! what d’ye mean? Sparkish Ay, what does he mean? Horner Why, I have resigned your sister to him, he has my consent. Pinchwife But he has not mine, sir; a woman’s injured honour, no more than a man’s, can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it; and you shall marry her presently, or⁠—Lays his hand on his sword. Re-enter Mrs. Pinchwife. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, they’ll kill poor Mr. Horner! besides, he shan’t marry her whilst I stand by, and look on; I’ll not lose my second husband so. Pinchwife What do I see? Alithea My sister in my clothes! Sparkish Ha! Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, pray now don’t quarrel about finding work for the parson, he shall marry me to Mr. Horner; or now, I believe, you have enough of me. To Pinchwife. Horner Damned, damned loving changeling! Aside. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray, sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you. Horner I suppose the riddle is plain now. Lucy No, that must be my work.⁠—Good sir, hear me. Kneels to Pinchwife, who stands doggedly with his hat over his eyes. Pinchwife I will never hear woman again, but make ’em all silent thus⁠—Offers to draw upon his Wife. Horner No, that must not be. Pinchwife You then shall go first, ’tis all one to me. Offers to draw on Horner, but is stopped by Harcourt. Harcourt Hold! Re-enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish. Sir Jasper What’s the matter? what’s the matter? pray, what’s the matter, sir? I beseech you communicate, sir. Pinchwife Why, my wife has communicated, sir, as your wife may have done too, sir, if she knows him, sir. Sir Jasper Pshaw, with