Much Ado About Nothing

as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion. Don Pedro I’ faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true; though, I’ll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won: I have broke with her father, and his good will obtained: name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy! Leonato Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his grace hath made the match, and all grace say Amen to it. Beatrice Speak, count, ’tis your cue. Claudio Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for you and dote upon the exchange. Beatrice Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither. Don Pedro In faith, lady, you have a merry heart. Beatrice Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart. Claudio And so she doth, cousin. Beatrice Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes everyone to the world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband! Don Pedro Lady Beatrice, I will get you one. Beatrice I would rather have one of your father’s getting. Hath your grace ne’er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them. Don Pedro Will you have me, lady? Beatrice No, my lord, unless I might have another for working-days: your grace is too costly to wear every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I was born to speak all mirth and no matter. Don Pedro Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in a merry hour. Beatrice No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you joy! Leonato Niece, will you look to those things I told you of? Beatrice I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace’s pardon. Exit. Don Pedro By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady. Leonato There’s little of the melancholy element in her, my lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, and not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say, she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked herself with laughing. Don Pedro She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband. Leonato O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit. Don Pedro She were an excellent wife for Benedick. Leonato O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad. Don Pedro Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church? Claudio Tomorrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till love have all his rites. Leonato Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just seven-night; and a time too brief, too, to have all things answer my mind. Don Pedro Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing: but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules’ labours; which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection the one with the other. I would fain have it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction. Leonato My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights’ watchings. Claudio And I, my lord. Don Pedro And you too, gentle Hero? Hero I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband. Don Pedro And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble strain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift. Exeunt.

Scene II

The same.

	Enter Don John and Borachio.
Don John	It is so; the Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.
Borachio	Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.
Don John	Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him, and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
Borachio	Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.
Don John	Show me briefly how.
Borachio	I think I told your lordship a year since, how much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting gentlewoman to Hero.
Don John	I remember.
Borachio	I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night, appoint her to look out at her lady’s chamber window.
Don John	What life is in that, to be the death of this marriage?
Borachio	The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to the prince your brother; spare not to tell him that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned Claudio⁠—whose estimation do you mightily hold up⁠—to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
Don John	What proof shall I make of that?
Borachio	Proof enough to misuse the prince, to vex Claudio, to undo Hero and kill Leonato. Look you for any other issue?
Don John	Only to despite them, I will endeavour anything.
Borachio	Go, then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know that Hero loves me;