The Merry Wives of Windsor

behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. They converse apart. Host Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero? Ford None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest. Host My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers? Going. Justice Shallow Have with you, mine host. Page I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. Justice Shallow Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. Host Calling. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? Page Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. Exeunt Host, Justice Shallow, and Page. Ford Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed. Exit.

Scene II

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Falstaff	I will not lend thee a penny.
Pistol	Why then, the world’s mine oyster, Which I with sword will open. I will retort the sum in equipage.
Falstaff	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Pistol	Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Falstaff	Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng!⁠—to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!⁠—you stand upon your honour!⁠—Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
Pistol	I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man?
	Enter Robin.
Robin	Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Falstaff	Let her approach.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Quickly	Curtsies. Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff	Good morrow, good wife.
Mistress Quickly	Not so, an’t please your worship.
Falstaff	Good maid, then.
Mistress Quickly	I’ll be sworn; As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Falstaff	I do believe the swearer. What with me?
Mistress Quickly	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Falstaff	Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Mistress Quickly	There is one Mistress Ford, glances round at Pistol and Robin sir⁠—I pray, come a little nearer this ways:⁠—I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.
Falstaff	Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Your worship says very true;⁠—I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.
Falstaff	I warrant thee nobody hears waves his hand towards Pistol and Robin⁠—mine own people, mine own people.
Mistress Quickly	Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants!
Falstaff	Well: Mistress Ford, what of her?
Mistress Quickly	Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray.
Falstaff	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary; yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly⁠—all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Falstaff	But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
Mistress Quickly	Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
Falstaff	Ten and eleven?
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture,