Karen nodded. ‘I understand,’ she repeated.
‘And sometimes I have moments where I think it’s all going to be okay. And for a few minutes, I feel fine, optimistic even. I have moments where I actually think this whole disaster has made me stronger and more capable. But then it all comes flooding back and I think that I’ll never be okay again.’
‘But you will. You will be okay, Kate.’ Karen clutched Kate’s hand tighter. ‘When Pete’s dad left me I was livid, with myself as much as him. I knew he was no good but I fell madly in love with him anyway, let him get me pregnant even though I was only nineteen. And I blamed Pete. It’s painful to admit that, Kate, I’m not proud of it at all but I was young, stupid and heartbroken. I thought, If only he wasn’t so difficult, so hard to live with – always demanding things, having tantrums, not giving us a minute’s peace. That’s what drove Ian away, not me. If only I hadn’t had a baby, none of this would have happened.’
Karen paused for a minute to wipe her eyes and compose herself. ‘I was angry with Pete for a long time which is something I’ll regret for my whole life. Of course it wasn’t his fault, his dad was a total waste of space who only thought about himself. Ian left a few months after Pete’s brother came along. My family had given up on me ages ago, and I was so overwhelmed with having two young children I just didn’t have anything left to give to anyone. I don’t blame Pete for walking out as soon as he was old enough and not wanting to have anything to do with me. I drove him away.’
It all made sense now, Kate realised. Pete’s animosity towards his mum, his reluctance to have her in their lives. His memory of his mother was of a cold, unloving woman who made him feel responsible for his father abandoning them. She suddenly felt acutely sorry for Pete and wished she could tell him that she understood. The pain of realising that she couldn’t hit her like a fresh blow.
‘It’s not lost on me that Pete has done the exact same thing to you,’ Karen said. ‘And I can’t help blaming myself. If I’d been a better mother…’
‘Stop,’ Kate interrupted her. ‘I understand now why Pete felt the way that he did about you but I don’t blame you. Jesus, Karen, I was over ten years older than you when I had Lily and I was in a happy, secure marriage but I still felt completely out of my depth. There were times when I was angry at everyone – angry at Lily for being so demanding, angry at Pete for not understanding how hard it was for me, but mainly angry at myself for not being able to cope with it. You were on your own, without any support. I get it.’
The two women looked at each other, bonded in their shared knowledge of their mistakes.
‘You’re nothing like I thought you’d be,’ Karen said, blowing her nose.
‘Oh no?’ Kate asked, curious.
‘I guess because Pete told me that you didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I built up a picture of you in my mind. But you’re lovely, Kate, and so are your children. They are such beautiful, happy little girls. You’ve done a great job, you really have.’
Kate felt the rush of maternal pride at being complimented about her children. Yet taking praise from Pete’s mum made her feel awful. The tears that she’d managed to keep down until now spilled over. ‘I’m sorry, Karen, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry, darling, don’t be sorry, you’ve nothing to be sorry about.’
‘I just feel so guilty. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.’
‘What are you talking about?’
This was the moment, the moment when she should have let it all out, all the insecurities that had been running around her mind for the last five weeks. She had been craving the release, the opportunity to finally be rid of it from her conscience. It was her fault Pete wasn’t here. She’d been pretending that she was fine but she wasn’t. She hadn’t been for years. She’d been floating around like one of those dementors in the Harry Potter books – barely alive, sucking the joy out of anyone who came near her, lost in her own misery. Depressed, that’s what she was, and she had been for years but she’d been too proud to get any help. She had driven him to this and she had ended any hope they had of a future together. But just as she was about to start talking, her self-preservation kicked in. The dark thoughts were for her only, no one needed to hear them, least of all Pete’s own mother.
‘Oh don’t mind me, I’m just feeling a bit emotional,’ Kate said before changing the subject. ‘Karen, thanks so much for coming. The girls have loved seeing you.’
‘I’ve loved seeing them. And you have a lovely house, Kate, just lovely. Thanks for inviting me, I’ve really enjoyed myself. And if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Now how about we gather up those two lovely girls of yours and play a game?’
After Karen had left and the girls had gone to bed, Kate sat down on the sofa and reflected on the day. They had hugged when she left, with promises to keep in touch and see each other again. It had been such a surreal experience, sharing so much about herself with a woman she had barely met before. How funny that she should bond with Pete’s mum now, after all these years, when he wasn’t around to see it. Would he be furious with her, she wondered, if he knew what had happened? Or would he be able to forgive
