However it was killing me to look at or think of him feeling like he didn't care for me the same way, I guess this was how he felt and I felt really bad about that. I had been feeling so depressed and sensing there was a knife in my heart at the same time and it felt like it wasn't planning on ever going away. I had a feeling that I could guess how that felt too. I speculated I'm not the kind of girl for Nick after all so I would have to get over this like he had.
I blinked and glanced in a different direction to bring me back from my side tracking. Trying to get back right on path on what was going on here. Anna's mouth was moving, but the words weren't getting to me. Katie was watching this all and putting in some of her thoughts. Then the words slowly came to my ears as I started to focus so that the words made sense.
"I just think that we should go back and think of what the hippies did." Kayla commented.
"What, get high?" asked Anthony and he started laughing with Hunter and Ross following in his lead.
"No dumbass. We should rally and boycott that kind of stuff."
"Do you think though that's wise to let the principal know that we're doing this?" I raised the point.
"That might not be the best," Nick had said, his eyes appearing sad and serious.
"Maybe we should go for tonight," replied Anthony, gazing at Nick and I weirdly.
They all left Nick and I alone in the room staring at the floor. It was quiet and my nervous were shaking. I got up to get myself a glass of iced tea.
"Rachel, are you sure that you want to go through all of this still?"
I turned around to look at him, I was a little confused. "What?" I couldn't believe he was still asking this. I thought he wouldn't mind. That he wanted this also.
"You know what I said, Rachel. What's so wrong about this?"
"I can't explain it. Nick come on, you can’t still want this. I thought you were over me."
Nick came up to me, taking my hands in his and making sure our fingers were interlaced, locking eyes with me like our life depended on them staying on each other. I kept trying to keep my heart from breaking out of my chest as I couldn't pull my gaze away from his. To stop thinking of how good he smelled or how much I've missed our hands together like this. How his eyes seemed to shine a certain way that made my heart to skip a few beats.
"You think I don't care about you? I never stopped loving you," Nick exclaimed.
Please don't cry now Rachel. "No, that can't be possible."
Nick took a step closer so our hands that were on hands on his chest were the only things separating us. I could feel his beating heart. "Why won't you accept that someone cares for you, Rach?"
I couldn't speak. What could I say? I was frozen. Even if I wanted to say something or could think of something, I couldn't. My emotions and thoughts were jumbling together to try to figure out what was going on.
"I'm a guy and it sucks to talk like this. It kills me even more to be near you when I know you don't care or won't even admit it. That day when you wanted to kill yourself I could only think was what did I do to you? How could I live without you if you had succeeded with that knife? When you wrapped your arms around me after I took the knife away I felt my insides die, knowing that I couldn't keep you close to me forever!"
It was taking all my strength not to cry when Nick was talking. Nick bent down and kissed me on the forehead tenderly, just a whisper of a touch. Nick's hand soothingly stroked my cheek. His hand drifted along my jaw line, pausing I saw his Adam's apple move. Nick's gaze fell to the ground as he turned on his heel to head back to his room. My mind swirled as I wanted to cry finally piecing what just happened together.
"Nick."
Yet, he closed the door behind him without even turning around to look at me. I went to the door and caringly brushing the tips of my fingers against the wood door. I took a deep breath as I glanced down at the floor with uncertainty overcoming me.
"I love you too, Nick," I whispered.
26
Nick
Last night was still running in my mind. Should I have turned around when Rachel called my name? Knowing her she would have started another argument. However, Rachel can be surprising at times, but I still didn't turn. It didn't help that I hadn't seen her this morning. Nor would it help that I was hiding out in my room since I woke up.
I couldn't find her this morning after I thought I should at least confront her, not that I was really searching hard for her. Her room was not as messy with her bed unmade. Then I heard the washer in the basement so I went down. We were so lucky to be one of the houses with a washer and dryer. There she was sitting Indian style on the dryer in the dim light reading with the book close to her face. In this small white room that was only big enough for the old washer and dryer and one small person. She didn't hear me come down the stairs which I couldn't figure out how with how squeaky
