Getting Married

be so much worse than the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to morality by just trying how the new system would work. Lesbia Suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway. I’ve been thinking. The Bishop To Hotchkiss. Nothing like making people think: is there, Sinjon? Lesbia Coming to the table, on the General’s left. A woman has no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the statistics given in The Times by Mr. Sidney Webb. The General Mr. Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice of Nature. Lesbia But if she is an English lady it is her right and her duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with Boxer. The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and speechless. Edith Rising. And I with Cecil. Leo Rising. And I with Rejjy and St. John. The General Aghast. An alliance! Do you mean a⁠—a⁠—a⁠— Reginald She only means bigamy, as I understand her. The General Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to real life⁠— Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman’s robes. The ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned as possible. Collins Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding music in Lohengrin three times over. The General The very man we want. Alfred: I’m not equal to this crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and appeal to the Municipality. Mrs. Bridgenorth Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this difficulty. Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss’s left. Hotchkiss Rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown. I’ve not had the pleasure. Will you introduce me? Collins Confidentially. All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr. Alderman Collins, sir, when I’m in my gown. Hotchkiss Staggered. Very pleased indeed. He sits down again. The Bishop Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr. Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him⁠— Edith Collins has known me from my childhood: I’m sure he will agree with me. Collins Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask what the difficulty is? Edith Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the existing state of the law? Sykes Rising and coming to Collins’s left elbow. I put it to you as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me? Reginald Leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins and Sykes, who returns to his chair. That’s not the point. Let this be understood, Mr. Collins. It’s not the man who is backing out: it’s the woman. He posts himself on the hearth. Lesbia We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly ready to make a reasonable arrangement. Leo With both men. The General The case is now before you, Mr. Collins. And I put it to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy nonsense? Mrs. Bridgenorth The world must go on, mustn’t it, Collins? Collins Snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he has heard. Oh, the world will go on, ma’am don’t you be afraid of that. It ain’t so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people think. Edith I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you. Hotchkiss Have you the least idea of what they are talking about, Mr. Alderman? Collins Oh, that’s all right, Sir. The particulars don’t matter. I never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they say, that you don’t know? You pick it up as they go on talking. He goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the company. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, it’s like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if you’re easygoing and don’t expect too much from it. But it doesn’t bear thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied up before they know what they’re letting themselves in for. There’s Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith and Mr. Sykes, you’ll never get married. Go and get married first: you’ll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me. Hotchkiss Your warning comes too late. They’ve started arguing already. The General But you don’t take in the full⁠—well, I don’t wish to exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable offers, but as I understand it⁠—and I’m sure I beg your pardon most heartily, Lesbia, if I’m wrong, as I hope I am⁠—they actually call on us to enter into⁠—I’m sorry to use the expression; but what can I say?⁠—into alliances with them under contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors. Collins Dear me, General: that’s something new when the parties belong to the same class. The Bishop Not new, Collins. The Romans did it. Collins Yes: they would, them Romans. When you’re in Rome do as the Romans do, is an old saying. But we’re not in Rome at present, my lord. The Bishop We have got into many of their ways. What do you think of the contract system, Collins? Collins Well, my lord, when there’s a question of a contract, I always say, show it to me on paper. If it’s to be talk, let