Getting Married

it be talk; but if it’s to be a contract, down with it in black and white; and then we shall know what we’re about. Hotchkiss Quite right, Mr. Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop? The Bishop Do, Sinjon. Hotchkiss goes into the library. Collins If I might point out a difficulty, my lord⁠— The Bishop Certainly. He goes to the fourth chair from the General’s left, but before sitting down, courteously points to the chair at the end of the table next the hearth. Won’t you sit down, Mr. Alderman? Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop’s distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his seat. Collins We are at present six men to four ladies. That’s not fair. Reginald Not fair to the men, you mean. Leo Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in him? Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the Bishop. Collins I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: I don’t trust my judgment on this subject. There’s a certain lady that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and instinct in affairs of the heart. Hotchkiss Excuse me, Mr. Alderman: I’m a snob; and I warn you that there’s no use consulting anyone who will not advise us frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us. What is the social position of this lady? Collins The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in-law. To the Bishop. I’ve often spoken of her to your lady, my lord. To Mrs. Bridgenorth. Mrs. George, ma’am. Mrs. Bridgenorth Startled. Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs. George is a real person? Collins Equally startled. Didn’t you believe in her, ma’am? Mrs. Bridgenorth Never for a moment. The Bishop We always thought that Mrs. George was too good to be true. I still don’t believe in her, Collins. You must produce her if you are to convince me. Collins Overwhelmed. Well, I’m so taken aback by this that⁠—Well I never!!! Why! she’s at the church at this moment, waiting to see the wedding. The Bishop Then produce her. Collins shakes his head. Come, Collins! confess. There’s no such person. Collins There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask George. It’s true I can’t produce her; but you can, my lord. The Bishop I! Collins Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her meet you. I’ve asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if you order her to come as her Bishop, she’ll come. She has some very strange fancies, has Mrs. George. Send your ring to her, my lord⁠—he official ring⁠—send it by some very stylish gentleman⁠—perhaps Mr. Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it⁠—and she’ll come. The Bishop Taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss. Oblige me by undertaking the mission. Hotchkiss But how am I to know the lady? Collins She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back. Hotchkiss No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline the mission. The General Rising impressively. Be good enough to give me that ring, Mr. Hotchkiss. Hotchkiss With pleasure. He hands it to him. The General I shall have the great pleasure, Mr. Alderman, in waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop’s orders; and I shall be proud to return with municipal honors. He stalks out gallantly, Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity. Reginald Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way. Hotchkiss His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will take all the attention off the Beadle. Collins I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the contract while we’re waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us have much of a look-in when Mrs. George comes; so we had better finish the writing part of the business before she arrives. Hotchkiss I think I have the preliminaries down all right. Reading. ‘Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as follows.’ Leo Rising. You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady comes first. She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft over his shoulder. Hotchkiss To be sure. I beg your pardon. He alters the draft. Leo And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There ought to be two gentlemen. Collins Oh, that’s a mere matter of form, ma’am. Any number of ladies or gentlemen can be put in. Leo Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that creature wasn’t a lady. Reginald You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of contract for everybody: it’s not your tract. Leo Then what use is it to me? Hotchkiss You will get some hints from it for your own contract. Edith I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the