Getting Married

plain straightforward truth and nothing but the truth. Collins Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. There’s nothing underhand, I assure you. It’s a model agreement, as it were. Edith Unconvinced. I hope so. Hotchkiss What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You know, Mr. Alderman. Collins At a loss. Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to that. I’ve got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows. The Bishop I’m sorry to say I don’t. Soames will know. Alice, where is Soames? Hotchkiss He’s in there. Pointing to the study. The Bishop To his wife. Coax him to join us, my love. Mrs. Bridgenorth goes into the study. Soames is my chaplain, Mr. Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of England today is that the affairs of the diocese make it necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to the devil⁠— Edith Shocked. Papa! The Bishop I am speaking technically, not in Boxer’s manner. Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret history. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman. Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didn’t dare to, because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life. So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died⁠—by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart⁠—I ordained Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop. Mrs. Bridgenorth Coming back from the study with a knitting basket. Here he is. She resumes her seat, and knits. Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by blessing them with two fingers. Hotchkiss Take my place, Mr. Soames. He gives up his chair to him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself. The Bishop No longer Mr. Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony. Soames Taking his seat. I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames. My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may come to hold in abhorrence. The Bishop Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document we are drafting? Soames She has indeed. Lesbia That sounds as if you disapproved. Soames It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior. The Bishop Don’t be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your best advice. Soames My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property. Mrs. Bridgenorth But how could the world go on, Anthony? Soames Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: keeping the world going is in higher hands. Lesbia Anthony: you’re impossible. Soames Taking up his pen. You won’t take my advice. I didn’t expect you would. Well, I await your instructions. Reginald We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin with? Soames It is usual to begin with the term of the contract. Edith What does that mean? Soames The term of years for which it is to hold good. Leo But this is a marriage contract. Soames Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day? Reginald Come, I say, Anthony! You’re worse than any of us. A day! Soames Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what does it matter? Leo If the marriage is not to be forever, I’ll have nothing to do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of years. If the people don’t like it they can get divorced. Reginald It ought to be for just as long as the two people like. That’s what I say. Collins They may not agree on the point, sir. It’s often fast with one and loose with the other. Lesbia I should say for as long as the man behaves himself. The Bishop Suppose the woman doesn’t behave herself? Mrs. Bridgenorth The woman may have lost all her chances of a good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift. Reginald So may the man! What about his home? Leo The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man won’t want her all the time. Lesbia There may not be another man. Leo Then why on earth should she leave him? Lesbia Because she wants to. Leo Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to, then I call it simple immorality. She goes indignantly to the oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss. Reginald Watching them