Getting Married

sourly. You do it yourself, don’t you? Leo Oh, that’s quite different. Don’t make foolish witticisms, Rejjy. The Bishop We don’t seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr. Alderman? Collins Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as if marriages was all of one sort. But there’s almost as many different sorts of marriages as there’s different sorts of people. There’s the young things that marry for love, not knowing what they’re doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort and companionship. There’s the people that marry for children. There’s the people that don’t intend to have children and that aren’t fit to have them. There’s the people that marry because they’re so much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to it somehow. There’s the people that want to try a new experience, and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are you to please them all? Why, you’ll want half a dozen different sorts of contract. The Bishop Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it. Reginald Why should we be held together whether we like it or not? That’s the question that’s at the bottom of it all. Mrs. Bridgenorth Because of the children, Rejjy. Collins But even then, ma’am, why should we be held together when that’s all over⁠—when the girls are married and the boys out in the world and in business for themselves? When that’s done with, the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part, as old people in the workhouses do. They’ve had enough of one another. They’ve found one another out. Why should they be tied together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the youngest child. Soames How if there be no children? Collins Let ’em take one another on liking. Mrs. Bridgenorth Collins! Leo You wicked old man⁠— The Bishop Remonstrating. My dear, my dear! Lesbia And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no longer liked, as you call it? Soames With sardonic formality. It is proposed that the term of the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest child when there are children. Any amendment? Leo I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage at all if it were not for life. Soames Mrs. Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder? Leo Don’t be soulless, Anthony. Lesbia I have a very important amendment. If there are any children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous, importunate, and ridiculous. Collins But where is he to go, miss? Lesbia He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother the mother. Reginald And is she to be left lonely⁠— Lesbia Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too glad to have a moment to herself. Don’t be absurd, Rejjy. Reginald That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast, living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends’ wives! Lesbia Ironically. Poor fellow! Hotchkiss The friends’ wives are perhaps the solution of the problem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and the poor ladies will occasionally pine for male society. Lesbia There is no reason why a mother should not have male society. What she clearly should not have is a husband. Soames Anything else, Miss Grantham? Lesbia Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my own separate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I can’t endure tobacco. Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold and exposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We can be friends; but we can’t live together; and that must be put in the agreement. Edith I’ve no objection to smoking; and as to opening the windows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for his health. The Bishop Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he? Edith Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders. Reginald Doctor be⁠—! Leo Admonitorily. Rejjy! Reginald To Soames. You take my tip, Anthony. Put a clause into that agreement that the doctor is to have no say in the job. It’s bad enough for the two people to be married to one another without their both being married to the doctor as well. Lesbia That reminds me of something very important. Boxer believes in vaccination: I do not. There must be a clause that I am to decide on such questions as I think best. Leo To the Bishop. Baptism is nearly as important as vaccination: isn’t it? The Bishop It used to be considered so, my dear. Leo Well, Sinjon scoffs at it: he says that godfathers are ridiculous. I must be allowed to decide. Reginald Theyll be his children as well as yours, you know. Leo Don’t be indelicate, Rejjy. Edith You are forgetting the very important matter of money. Collins Ah! Money! Now we’re coming to it! Edith When I’m married I shall have practically no money except what I shall earn. The Bishop I’m sorry, Cecil. A Bishop’s daughter is a poor man’s daughter. Sykes But surely you don’t imagine that I’m going to let Edith work when we’re married. I’m not a rich man; but I’ve enough to spare her that; and when my mother dies⁠— Edith What nonsense! Of course I shall work when I’m married. I shall keep your house. Sykes Oh, that! Reginald You call that work? Edith Don’t you? Leo used to do it for nothing; so no doubt you thought it wasn’t work at all. Does your present housekeeper do it for nothing? Reginald But it will be part of your duty as a wife. Edith Not under this contract. I’ll not have it so. If I’m to keep the house, I shall expect Cecil to pay me at least as