The Inspector General

of eyes does your master like most? Marya Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has! Governor Stop now, let me speak. To Osip. Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like? Osip As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well. Governor Entertained well? Osip Yes, for instance, I’m nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S’help me God! Say we’d stop at some place and he’d ask, “Well, Osip, have they treated you well?” “No, badly, your Excellency.” “Ah,” he’d say, “Osip, he’s not a good host. Remind me when we get home.” “Oh, well,” thinks I to myself. With a wave of his hand. “I am a simple person. God be with them.” Governor Very good. You talk sense. I’ve given you something for tea. Here’s something for buns, too. Osip You are too kind, your Excellency. Puts the money in his pocket. I’ll sure drink your health, sir. Anna Come to me, Osip, and I’ll give you some, too. Marya Osip, darling, kiss your master for me. Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room. Governor Hush! Rises on tiptoe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone. Don’t make a noise, for heaven’s sake! Go, it’s enough. Anna Come, Mashenka, I’ll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can’t tell you unless we are alone together. They go out. Governor Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you’d want to stop up your ears. To Osip. Well, friend⁠—

Scene XI

The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

Governor	Sh⁠—sh! Bandy-legged bears⁠—thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. Where in the devil have you been knocking about?
Derzhimorda	I had your order⁠—
Governor	Hush! Puts his hand over Derzhimorda’s mouth. Like a bull bellowing. Mocking him. “I had your order⁠—” Makes a noise like an empty barrel. To Osip. Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don’t you dare budge from the spot. And don’t let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I’ll⁠—The instant you see anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, shows with his foot and throw him out. Do you hear? Hush⁠—hush!
	He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.
	Curtain.

Act IV

Scene: Same as in Act III.

Scene I

Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.

Ammos	For God’s sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let’s have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.
Artemy	Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.
Ammos	Try what?
Artemy	It’s clear what.
Ammos	Grease?
Artemy	Exactly, grease.
Ammos	It’s risky, the deuce take it. He’ll fly into a rage at us. He’s a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?
Postmaster	Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post and we don’t know for whom?
Artemy	You had better look out that he doesn’t send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered state. What’s the use of a whole regiment here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do⁠—what ought to be done, you know⁠—so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That’s the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first.
Ammos	You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in your institution.
Artemy	Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.
Luka	I can’t, I can’t, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.
Artemy	It’s you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There’s no one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero’s mouth.
Ammos	What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.
All	Pressing him. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too. Don’t forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!
Ammos	Let go of me, gentlemen.
	Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov’s room. All hurry to the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.
Bobchinsky’s Voice	Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.
Artemy	Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my sins. You are squeezing me to death.
	Exclamations of “Oh! Oh!” Finally they all push through the door, and the stage is left empty.

Scene II

Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.

Khlestakov

Alone. I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get those mattresses and