The Inspector General

he young or old? Dobchinsky Young⁠—a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as if he were older. “If you will allow me,” he says, “I will go there and there.” Waves his hands. He does it all with such distinction. “I like,” he says, “to read and write, but I am prevented because my room is rather dark.” Anna And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair? Dobchinsky Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart about like little animals. They make you nervous. Anna Let me see what my husband writes. Reads. “I hasten to let you know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks.” Stops. I don’t understand. What have pickles and caviar got to do with it? Dobchinsky Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap paper. There’s a kind of bill on it. Anna Oh, yes, I see. Goes on reading. “But relying on the mercy of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready quickly for the distinguished guest⁠—the one with the gold wall paper. Don’t bother to get any extras for dinner because we’ll have something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the best, or I’ll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky.” Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who’s there? Mishka? Dobchinsky Runs to the door and calls. Mishka! Mishka! Mishka! Mishka enters. Anna Listen! Run over to Abdulin⁠—wait, I’ll give you a note. She sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while. Give this to Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and everything else. Dobchinsky Well, I’m going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the inspecting. Anna Go on, I’m not keeping you.

Scene III

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

Anna	Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He’s a metropolitan swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue dress with the little flounces. It’s the most becoming.
Marya	The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can’t bear it. Liapkin-Tiapkin’s wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika’s daughter. I’d rather wear my flowered dress.
Anna	Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You’ll look lots better in blue because I’m going to wear my dun-colored dress. I love dun-color.
Marya	Oh, mamma, it isn’t a bit becoming to you.
Anna	What, dun-color isn’t becoming to me?
Marya	No, not a bit. I’m positive it isn’t. One’s eyes must be quite dark to go with dun-color.
Anna	That’s nice! And aren’t my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.
Marya	Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.
Anna	Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. She goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes. The ideas she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of that?
	As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

Scene IV

Mishka and Osip.

Osip	Where is this to go?
Mishka	In here, in here.
Osip	Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an empty stomach any load seems heavy.
Mishka	Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?
Osip	What general?
Mishka	Your master.
Osip	My master? What sort of a general is he?
Mishka	Isn’t he a general?
Osip	Yes, he’s a general, only the other way round.
Mishka	Is that higher or lower than a real general?
Osip	Higher.
Mishka	Gee whiz! That’s why they are raising such a racket about him here.
Osip	Look here, young man, I see you’re a smart fellow. Get me something to eat, won’t you?
Mishka	There isn’t anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won’t eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they’ll let you have the same as he gets.
Osip	But have you got any plain stuff?
Mishka	We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.
Osip	That’s all right. We’ll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we’ll eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to go out there?
Mishka	Yes.
	They both carry the valise into the next room.

Scene V

The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov enters followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.

Khlestakov	Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers everything in your town. In other towns they didn’t show me a thing.
Governor	In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win the Government’s esteem through good order, vigilance, and efficiency.
Khlestakov	The lunch was excellent. I’ve positively overeaten. Do you set such a fine table every day?
Governor	In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.
Khlestakov	I like to eat well. That’s what a man lives for⁠—to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?
Artemy	Running up to him. Labardan.
Khlestakov	It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the hospital, wasn’t it?
Artemy	Precisely, in