Hay Fever

will. Sandy Hic!⁠—There! Jackie Drink some water the wrong way round. Sandy How do you mean⁠—the wrong way round? Jackie Rising. The wrong side of the glass. I’ll show you. She goes to side table. There isn’t any water. Sandy Perhaps coffee would do as well. Jackie I’ve never tried coffee, but it might. She pours him out some. There you are. Sandy Anxiously. What do I do? Jackie Tip it up and drink from the opposite side, sort of upside down. Sandy Trying. I can’t reach any⁠— Jackie Suddenly. Look out⁠—somebody’s coming. Bring it into the library⁠—quick.⁠ ⁠… Sandy Bring the sugar⁠—I might need it again⁠—hic! Oh God! Jackie All right.

They go off into the library hurriedly.

Richard comes downstairs. He glances round a trifle anxiously; then, pulling himself together, he goes boldly to the barometer and taps it. It falls off the wall and breaks; he picks it up quickly and places it on the piano. Then he helps himself to some breakfast, and sits down.

Myra appears on the stairs, very smart and bright.

Myra Vivaciously. Good morning. Richard Good morning. Myra Are we the first down? Richard No, I don’t think so. Myra Looking out of the window. Isn’t this rain miserable? Richard Appalling! Myra Where’s the barometer? Richard On the piano. Myra What a queer place for it to be. Richard I tapped it, and it fell down. Myra Typical of this house. At side table. Are you having eggs and bacon, or haddock? Richard Haddock. Myra I’ll have haddock too. I simply couldn’t strike out a line for myself this morning. She helps herself to haddock and coffee, and sits down opposite Richard. Have you seen anybody? Richard No. Myra Good. We might have a little peace. Richard Have you ever stayed here before? Myra No, and I never will again. Richard I feel far from well this morning. Myra I’m so sorry, but not entirely surprised. Richard You see, I had the boiler room. Myra How terrible! Richard The window stuck, and I couldn’t open it⁠—I was nearly suffocated. The pipes made peculiar noises all night, as well. Myra There isn’t any sugar. Richard Oh⁠—we’d better ring. Myra I doubt if it will be the slightest use, but we’ll try. Richard Ringing and ringing bell. Do the whole family have breakfast in bed? Myra I neither know⁠—nor care. Richard They’re strange people, aren’t they? Myra I think “strange” is putting it mildly. Enter Clara. Clara What’s the matter? Myra There isn’t any sugar. Clara There is⁠—I put it ’ere myself. Myra Perhaps you’d find it for us, then? Clara Searching. That’s very funny. I could ’ave sworn on me Bible oath I brought it in. Myra Well, it obviously isn’t here now. Clara Someone’s taken it⁠—that’s what it is. Richard It seems a queer thing to do. Myra Do you think you could get us some more? Clara Oh, yes, I’ll fetch you some; but mark my words, there’s been some ’anky-panky somewhere. She goes out. Myra Clara is really more at home in a dressing-room than a house. Richard Was she Judith’s dresser? Myra Of course. What other excuse could there possibly be for her? Richard She seems good-natured, but quaint. Myra This haddock’s disgusting. Richard It isn’t very nice, is it? Reenter Clara with sugar. She plumps it down. Clara There you are, dear. Myra Thank you. Clara It’s a shame the weather’s changed⁠—you might ’ave ’ad such fun up the river. There comes the sound of a crash from the library, and a scream. What’s that? She opens the door. Come out! What are you doing? Jackie and Sandy enter, rather shamefaced. Jackie Good morning. I’m afraid we’ve broken a coffee-cup. Clara Was there any coffee in it? Sandy Yes, a good deal. Clara Rushing into the library. Oh dear! all over the carpet! Sandy It was my fault. I’m most awfully sorry. Clara reappears. Clara How did you come to do it? Jackie Well, you see, he had the hiccups, and I was showing him how to drink upside down. Myra How ridiculous! Clara Well, thank ’Eaven it wasn’t one of the Crown Derbys. She goes out. Sandy They’ve gone now, anyhow. Jackie It was the sudden shock, I expect. Sandy Observantly. I say⁠—it’s raining! Myra It’s been raining for hours. Richard Mrs. Arundel⁠— Myra Yes? Richard What are you going to do about⁠—about today? Myra Nothing, except go up to London by the first train possible. Richard Do you mind if I come too? I don’t think I could face another day like yesterday. Jackie Neither could I. Sandy Eagerly. Let’s all go away⁠—quietly! Richard Won’t it seem a little rude if we all go? Myra Yes it will. To Sandy. You and Miss Coryton must stay. Jackie I don’t see why. Sandy I don’t think they’d mind very much if we all went. Myra Yes, they would. You must let Mr. Greatham and me get away first, anyhow. Ring for Clara. I want to find out about trains. Richard I hope they won’t all come down now. Myra You needn’t worry about that; they’re sure to roll about in bed for hours⁠—they’re such a slovenly family. Richard Have you got much packing to do? Myra No; I did most of it before I came down. Reenter Clara. Clara What is it now? Myra Can you tell me what trains there are up to London? Clara When? Myra This morning. Clara Why?⁠—you’re not leaving, are you? Myra Yes; Mr. Greatham and I have to be up by lunchtime. Clara Well, you have missed the 10:15. Myra Obviously. Clara There isn’t another till 12:30. Richard Good heavens! Clara And that’s a slow one. She goes out. Sandy To Jackie. Look here; I’ll take you up in my car as soon as you like. Jackie All right; lovely! Myra You’ve got a car, haven’t you? Sandy Yes. Myra Will it hold all of us? Jackie You said it would be rude for us all to go. Hadn’t you and Mr. Greatham better wait for the train? Myra Certainly not. Richard To Sandy. If there is room, we should be very, very grateful. Sandy I think I can squeeze you in. Myra Then that’s settled, then. Jackie When shall we start? Sandy As soon as you’re ready. Jackie Mrs. Arundel, what are you going to do about tipping Clara? Myra I don’t know. To Richard. What do you think? Richard I’ve