Hay Fever

off.

After a moment’s pause, David and Myra enter from the garden.

David … And, you see, he comes in and finds her there waiting for him. Myra She hadn’t been away at all? David No; and that’s psychologically right. I’m sure. No woman, under those circumstances, would. Myra It’s brilliant of you to see that. I do think the whole thing sounds most excellent. David I got badly stuck in the middle of the book, when the boy comes down from Oxford⁠—but it worked out all right eventually. Myra Sitting on sofa. When shall I be able to read it? David I’ll send you the proofs⁠—you can help me correct them. Myra How divine! I shall feel most important. David Would you like a cigarette, or anything? Myra No, thank you. David I think I’ll have a drink. Myra Very well; give me some plain soda-water, then. David Going to side table. There isn’t any ice⁠—d’you mind? Myra Not a bit. David Bringing her drink. Here you are. Myra Thank you. She sips it. I wonder where everybody is. David Not here, thank God. Myra It must be dreadfully worrying for you, having a houseful of people. David Having poured himself out a whisky-and-soda, sits down by her side. It depends on the people. Myra I have a slight confession to make. David Confession? Myra Yes. Do you know why I came down here? David Not in the least. I suppose one of us asked you, didn’t they? Myra Oh, yes, they asked me, but⁠— David Well? Myra I was invited once before⁠—last September. David I was in America then. Myra Exactly. David How do you mean “exactly”? Myra I didn’t come. I’m a very determined woman, you know, and I made up my mind to meet you ages ago. David That was charming of you. I’m not much to meet really. Myra You see, I’d read Broken Reeds. David Did you like it? Myra Like it! I think it’s one of the finest novels I’ve ever read. David There now! Myra How do you manage to know so much about women? David I’m afraid my knowledge of them is sadly superficial. Myra Oh, no; you can’t call Evelyn’s character superficial⁠—it’s amazing. David Why are you being so nice to me? Have you got a plan about something? Myra Laughing. How suspicious you are! David I can’t help it⁠—you’re very attractive, and I’m always suspicious of attractive people, on principle. Myra Not a very good principle. David I’ll tell you something⁠—strictly between ourselves. Myra Do. David You’re wrong about me. Myra Wrong? In what way? David I write very bad novels. Myra Don’t be so ridiculous. David And you know I do, because you’re an intelligent person. Myra I don’t know anything of the sort. David Tell me why you’re being so nice to me? Myra Because I want to be. David Why? Myra You’re a very clever and amusing man. David Splendid. Myra And I think I’ve rather lost my heart to you. David Shall we elope? Myra David! David There now, you’ve called me David! Myra Do you mind? David Not at all. Myra I’m not sure that you’re being very kind. David What makes you think that? Myra You’re being rather the cynical author laughing up his sleeve at a gushing admirer. David I think you’re a very interesting woman, and extremely nice-looking. Myra Do you? David Yes. Would you like me to make love to you? Myra Rising. Really⁠—I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. David I’ve knocked you off your plate⁠—I’ll look away for a minute while you climb on to it again. He does so. Myra Laughing affectedly. This is wonderful! She sits down again. David Turning. That’s right. Now then⁠— Myra Now then, what? David You’re adorable⁠—you’re magnificent⁠—you’re tawny⁠— Myra I’m not tawny. David Don’t argue. Myra This is sheer affectation. David Affectation’s very nice. Myra No, it isn’t⁠—it’s odious. David You mustn’t get cross. Myra I’m not in the least cross. David Yes, you are⁠—but you’re very alluring. Myra Perking up. Alluring? David Terribly. Myra I can hear your brain clicking⁠—it’s very funny. David That was rather rude. Myra You’ve been consistently rude to me for hours. David Never mind. Myra Why have you? David I’m always rude to people I like. Myra Do you like me? David Enormously. Myra How sweet of you! David But I don’t like your methods. Myra Methods? What methods? David You’re far too pleasant to occupy yourself with the commonplace. Myra And you spoil yourself by trying to be clever. David Thank you. Myra Anyhow, I don’t know what you mean by commonplace. David You mean you want me to explain? Myra Not at all. David Very well; I will. Myra I shan’t listen. She stops up her ears. David You’ll pretend not to, but you’ll hear every word really. Myra Sarcastically. You’re so inscrutable and quizzical⁠—just what a feminine psychologist should be. David Yes, aren’t I? Myra You frighten me dreadfully. David Darling! Myra Don’t call me darling. David That’s unreasonable. You’ve been trying to make me⁠—all the evening. Myra Your conceit is outrageous! David It’s not conceit at all. You’ve been firmly buttering me up because you want a nice little intrigue. Myra Rising. How dare you! David Pulling her down again. It’s true, it’s true. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t be so angry. Myra I think you’re insufferable! David Taking her hand. Myra⁠—dear Myra⁠— Myra Snatching it away. Don’t touch me. David Let’s have that nice little intrigue. The only reason I’ve been so annoying is that I love to see things as they are first, and then pretend they’re what they’re not. Myra Words! Masses and masses of words! David They’re great fun to play with. Myra I’m glad you think so. Personally, they bore me stiff. David Catching her hand again. Myra⁠—don’t be statuesque. Myra Let go my hand! David You’re charming. He gets up and stands close to her. Myra Furiously. Let go my hand. David I won’t. Myra You will! She slaps his face hard, and he seizes her in his arms and kisses her. David Between kisses. You’re⁠—perfectly⁠—sweet. Myra Giving in. David! David You must say it’s an entrancing amusement. He kisses her again. Judith appears at the top of the stairs and sees them. They break away. Judith Coming down. Forgive me for interrupting. David Are there any chocolates in the house? Judith No, David. David I should like a chocolate more than anything in the world, at the moment. Judith This is a very unpleasant situation, David. David Agreeably.