Hay Fever

knew him. Myra Well, considering he married my cousin⁠— Richard We don’t seem to be getting on with the game. Judith We haven’t thought of a word yet. Myra “Brightly.” Simon Too obvious. Myra Very well⁠—don’t snap at me! Judith “Saucily.” I’ve got a lovely idea for “saucily.” Myra At Simon. I should think “rudely” would be the easiest. Simon Don’t be sour, Myra. Judith The great thing is to get an obscure word. Simon What a pity Irene isn’t here⁠—she knows masses of obscure words. Myra She’s probably picked them up from her obscure friends. Simon It’s no use being catty about Irene; she’s a perfect darling. Myra I wasn’t being catty at all. Simon Yes, you were. Sorel Off. Hurry up! Judith Quickly, now! We must think⁠— Jackie Helpfully. “Appendicitis.” Judith Witheringly. That’s not an adverb. Simon You’re thinking of charades. Sandy Charades are damned good fun. Simon Yes, but we don’t happen to be doing them at the moment. Sandy Sorry. Judith “Saucily.” Simon No, “winsomely’s” better. Judith All right. Call her in. Simon Calling. Sorel⁠—come on; we’re ready. Reenter Sorel. Sandy Hoarsely to Simon. Which is it?⁠—“saucily” or “winsomely”? Simon Whispering. “Winsomely.” Sorel To Judith. Go and take a flower out of that vase and give it to Richard. Judith Very well. She trips lightly over to the vase, gurgling with coy laughter, selects a flower, then goes over to Richard; pursing her lips into a mock smile, she gives him the flower, with a little girlish gasp at her own daring, and wags her finger archly at him. Simon Marvellous, Mother! Sorel Laughing. Oh, lovely!⁠ ⁠… Now, Myra, get up and say goodbye to everyone in the manner of the word. Myra Rises and starts with David. Goodbye. It really has been most delightful⁠— Judith No, no, no! Myra Why⁠—what do you mean? Judith You haven’t got the right intonation a bit. Simon Oh, Mother darling, do shut up! Myra Acidly. Remember what an advantage you have over we poor amateurs, Judith, having been a professional for so long. Judith I don’t like “so long” very much. Sorel Do you think we might go on now? Myra Go to the next one; I’m not going to do any more. Simon Oh, please do. You were simply splendid. Sorel It doesn’t matter. To Richard. Light a cigarette in the manner of the word. Richard I’ve forgotten what it is. Judith Grimacing at him violently. You remember.⁠ ⁠… Richard Oh, yes. He proceeds to light a cigarette with great abandon, winking his eye and chucking Sorel under the chin. Judith Oh, no, no, no! Myra I can’t think what that’s meant to be. Richard Offended. I was doing my best. Judith It’s so frightfully easy, and nobody can do it right. Simon I believe you’ve muddled it up. Richard You’d better go on to the next one. Judith Which word were you doing? Whisper⁠— Richard Whispering. “Saucily.” Judith I knew it!⁠—He was doing the wrong word. She whispers to him. Richard Oh, I see. I’m so sorry. Judith Give him another chance. Simon No, it’s Jackie’s turn now; it will come round to him again, I’m afraid. Sorel To Jackie. Do a dance in the manner of the word. Jackie Giggling. I can’t. Judith Nonsense! Of course you can. Jackie I can’t⁠—honestly⁠—I.⁠ ⁠… Simon Pulling her to her feet. Go on; have a shot at it. Jackie No, I’d much rather not. Count me out. Judith Really, the ridiculous fuss everyone makes⁠— Jackie I’m awfully stupid at anything like this. Sorel It’s only a game, after all. David Come along⁠—try. Jackie Dragging back. I couldn’t⁠—please don’t ask me to. I simply couldn’t. Simon Leave her alone if she doesn’t want to. Sorel Irritably. What’s the use of playing at all, if people won’t do it properly? Judith It’s so simple. Sandy It’s awfully difficult if you haven’t done it before. Simon Go on to the next one. Sorel Firmly. Unless everyone’s in it we won’t play at all. Simon Now don’t lose your temper. Sorel Lose my temper! I like that! No one’s given me the slightest indication of what the word is⁠—you all argue and squabble⁠— David Talk, talk, talk! Everybody talks too much. Judith It’s so surprising to me when people won’t play up. After all⁠— Jackie With spirit. It’s a hateful game, anyhow, and I don’t want to play it again ever. Sorel You haven’t played it at all yet. Simon Don’t be rude, Sorel. Sorel Really, Simon, the way you go on is infuriating! Simon It’s always the way; whenever Sorel goes out she gets quarrelsome. Sorel Quarrelsome! Simon Don’t worry, Jackie; you needn’t do anything you don’t want to. Judith I think, for the future, we’d better confine our efforts to social conversation and not attempt anything in the least intelligent. Simon How can you be so unkind, Mother? Judith Sharply. Don’t speak to me like that. Jackie It’s all my fault⁠—I know I’m awfully silly, but it embarrasses me so terribly doing anything in front of people. Sorel With acidity. I should think the word was, “winsomely.” Simon You must have been listening outside the door then. Sorel Not at all⁠—Miss Coryton gave it away. Simon Why “Miss Coryton” all of a sudden? You’ve been calling her Jackie all the evening. You’re far too grand, Sorel. Sorel And you’re absolutely maddening⁠—I’ll never play another game with you as long as I live. Simon That won’t break my heart. Judith Stop, stop, stop! Simon Grabbing Jackie’s hand. Come out in the garden. I’m sick of this. Sorel Don’t let him take you on the river; he isn’t very good at it. Simon Over his shoulder. Ha, ha!⁠—very funny. He drags Jackie off. Judith Sorel, you’re behaving disgracefully. Sorel Simon ought to go into the army, or something. David You both ought to be in reformatories. Sorel This always happens whenever we play a game. We’re a beastly family, and I hate us. Judith Speak for yourself, dear. Sorel I can’t, without speaking for everyone else too⁠—we’re all exactly the same, and I’m ashamed of us.⁠—Come into the library, Sandy. She drags Sandy off. Myra Charming! It’s all perfectly charming. David I think it would be better, Judith, if you exercised a little more influence over the children. Judith That’s right⁠—blame it all on me. David After all, dear, you started it, by snapping everybody up.