Hay Fever

play mah-jongg? Richard No, I’m afraid I can’t. Sorel I’m so glad⁠—I do hate it so. Clara enters, with preparations for tea. Sorel sighs with relief. Here’s tea. Clara Where’s your mother, dear? Sorel Out in the garden, I think. Clara It’s starting to rain. Sorel Oh, everyone will come dashing in, then. How awful! Richard Won’t the luggage get rather wet, out there? Sorel What luggage? Clara I’ll bring it in when I’ve made the tea. Richard Rising. Oh, don’t trouble; I’ll do it now. Sorel We ought to have got William up from the village. Clara It’s Saturday. Sorel I know it is. Clara He’s playing cricket. Richard opens the front door and proceeds to bring the luggage in. Sorel rushes to help him. Sorel Do sit down and smoke. I can easily manage it. Richard Certainly not. Sorel How typical of Myra to have so many bags.⁠ ⁠… Ooh! She staggers with a suitcase. Richard goes to her assistance, and they both drop it. There now!⁠—we’ve probably broken something. Richard This is the last one.⁠ ⁠… He brings in a dressing-case, and wipes his hand on his handkerchief. Sorel Do you know where to wash if you want to? Richard No⁠—but I’m all right.

Reenter Clara, with tea and hot-water jug.

Simon and Myra come in from the garden.

Myra Hullo, Sorel, how are you? Sorel I’m splendid. Do you know Mr. Greatham? Myra Oh, yes; we’ve met several times. Simon Come and sit down, Myra. David and Jackie come downstairs. David Is tea ready? Sorel Yes; just. David Simon, come and be nice to Miss Coryton. Simon We’ve met already. David That’s no reason for you not to be nice to her. Myra Firmly. How-do-you-do. David How-do-you-do. Are you staying here? Myra I hope so. David You must forgive me for being rather frowsy, but I’ve been working hard. Sorel Father, this is Mr. Greatham. David How are you? When did you arrive? Richard This afternoon. David Good. Have some tea. He begins to pour it out. Everyone had better put their own sugar and milk in, or we shall get muddled. Where’s your mother, Simon? Simon She was last seen in the punt. David How extraordinary! She can’t punt. Sorel Sandy Tyrell’s with her. David Oh, well, she’ll be all right then. Who is he? Sorel I don’t know. David Do sit down, everybody. Enter Judith and Sandy from the garden. Judith There’s going to be a thunderstorm. I felt sick this morning. This is Sandy Tyrell⁠—everybody⁠— Richard Shaking hands. How-do-you-do. Sorel Mother, I want you to meet Mr. Greatham. Judith Oh, yes. You were here before, weren’t you? Simon Before what, darling? Judith Before I went out in the punt. There was somebody else here too⁠—a fair girl⁠—She sees Jackie. Oh, there you are. How-do-you-do. Sit down, Sandy, and eat anything you want. Give Sandy some bread-and-butter, Simon. Everybody sits down. Simon Ungraciously. Here you are. Sandy Thanks. There is a long pause; then Myra and Richard speak together. Richard How far are you from Maidenhead exactly? Myra What a pity it’s raining⁠—we might have had some tennis⁠— They both stop, to let the other go on. There is another terrible silence. Myra I adore the shape of this hall⁠—it’s so⁠— Richard The train was awfully crowded coming down⁠— They both stop again, and there is another dead silence, during which the curtain slowly falls.

Act II

	It is after dinner on the Saturday evening. Everyone is talking and arguing. The following scene should be played with great speed.
Simon	Who’ll go out?
Sorel	I don’t mind.
Simon	No; you always guess it too quickly.
Jackie	What do we have to do?
Judith	Choose an adverb, and then⁠—
Simon	Someone goes out, you see, and comes in, and you’ve chosen a word among yourselves, and she or he or whoever it is asks you some sort of question and you have to⁠—
Sorel	Not an ordinary question, Simon; they have to ask them to do something in the manner of the word, and then⁠—
Simon	Then, you see, you act whatever it is⁠—
Sorel	The answer to the question, you see?
Richard	Apprehensively. What sort of thing is one expected to do?
Judith	Quite usual things, like reciting “If,” or playing the piano⁠—
Richard	I can’t play the piano.
Simon	Never mind; you can fake it, as long as it conveys an idea of the word.
Jackie	The word we’ve all thought of?
Sorel	Impatient. Yes, the word we’ve chosen when whoever it is is out of the room.
Jackie	I’m afraid I don’t quite understand yet.
Simon	Never mind; I’ll explain. You see, someone goes out.⁠ ⁠…
Sorel	I’ll go out the first time, just to show her.
Judith	It’s quite simple⁠—all you have to do is just act in the manner of the word.
Sorel	Look here, everybody, I’m going out.
Simon	All right; go on.
Myra	The History game’s awfully good⁠—when two people go out, and come back as Queen Elizabeth and Crippen or somebody.
Sandy	Despondently. I’m no earthly good at this sort of thing.
Sorel	I’ll show you, Sandy. You see.⁠ ⁠…
Judith	There’s always “How, When and Where?” We haven’t played that for ages.
Simon	We will afterwards. We’ll do this one first.⁠—Go on, Sorel.
Sorel	Don’t be too long. She goes out.
Simon	Now then.
Judith	“Bitterly.”
Simon	No, we did that last week; she’ll know.
David	“Intensely.”
Judith	Too difficult.
Richard	There was an amusing game I played once at the Harringtons’ house. Everyone was blindfolded except⁠—
Simon	This room’s not big enough for that. What about “winsomely”?
Jackie	I wish I knew what we had to do.
Judith	You’ll see when we start playing.
Myra	If we start playing.
Simon	Mother’s brilliant at this. Do you remember when we played it at the Mackenzies’?
Judith	Yes, and Blanche was so cross when I kissed Freddie’s ear in the manner of the word.
Richard	What was the word?
Judith	I can’t remember.
Myra	Perhaps it’s as well.
David	What about “drearily”?
Judith	Not definite enough.
Simon	“Winsomely” is the best.
Judith	She’s sure to guess it straight off.
Simon	Confidentially to Jackie. These games are much too brainy for me.
David	Young Norman Robertson used to be marvellous⁠—do you remember?
Simon	Yes, wonderful sense of humour.
Myra	He’s lost it all since his marriage.
Judith	I didn’t know you