Dignity and pride aren’t about whether you pull money out of a drawer, a sack, or a wallet. It isn’t about being given a credit card or pulling cash out of a Versateller. If you have an income, however small, it enables you to:
1. Live by your own rules
2. Move to your rhythm, instead of dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum
3. Decide how you want to be treated
4. Choose what you will or will not tolerate
5. Leave if you don’t get what you want
Everything in this list is precisely what the bitch values most. She keeps her power in
While conducting research for this book, I was surprised to find that, generally speaking, men don’t mind picking up the tab on a date. What they do mind is the overriding sense that women act as if they are entitled to it—or as if they
When you act as if you expect something, you make a man feel unappreciated. If he pays, it’s always best to help him realize that you took time to notice that he went out of his way, and that you are grateful.
Over and over, men have expressed to me their frustration with women who lack gratitude and those who automatically expect a man to pay. There are some women who, even when it’s a man’s birthday, will take him out and expect him to pay. There were many men who, when interviewed for this book, shared stories about birthdays or holidays in which their partners still expected them to pick up the tab.
In one instance, a woman invited other people to a birthday party and expected the “birthday boy” to pay for everybody. The bill came and people reached for their wallets at the dinner table. “Oh, no, you guys. Marc will get that,” the woman said. (Needless to say, Marc was not too happy.) It was the automatic expectation that made him feel unappreciated.
The same goes for flowers or a gift. Do you act excited and appreciative, or do you barely mumble a thank- you and then put the flowers in water? If he brings you a wilted, week-old bunch of flowers from the supermarket that cost $2.99, hold back. Just muster up a thank you, smile, and put them in water.
If he gives you a gift, don’t fess up that you always go back and exchange it, or he’ll stop bringing you little tokens of his affection. If you can, exchange it for something similar, then tell him it’s the same one he bought you. Say, “It looks different on, huh?” (He’ll never know the difference.)
If you want him to give you jewelry, don’t ever utter the words “pawn shop.” If you pawned jewelry given to you by an ex-boyfriend or husband, never disclose that information to a man you’re seeing.
Acknowledgment is very important to men. A man I know, John, once ended a relationship with Kate, a woman he was dating, because he felt she was not grateful for a gift that he gave her. One day, when he was at her place, she asked him to move an old television from one room to the next. It had sentimental value to her because her father had given it to her. Without intending to, he dropped the TV and it broke. He described what happened: “I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a twenty-six-hundred-dollar entertainment center with an amazing TV and stereo. A week later some friends came over and said, ‘Wow! What a nice TV. Then she said in a sarcastic tone, ‘John broke the other one.’ I just about fell off my chair.”
John left her apartment that evening and never saw her again.
Because men aren’t conditioned to express their emotions, women sometimes assume that when men spend their money, it doesn’t mean anything to them or they didn’t have to do anything to earn it. If a man gives you something, show him the respect he deserves by thanking him for the kindness. If you want to be treated well, you have to
Vinnie, who is very generous by nature, talked about a woman named Shawna who ordered lobster when they went to an expensive restaurant. He said, “I don’t mind that she ordered the lobster, but after that she just picked at it. Then she said, ‘I wasn’t really hungry, anyway’. That bothered me.”
Again, the issue is whether you
If he opens doors for you, let him know that you admire that, too. Whenever he feels that you admire his masculinity, and his brawn, it makes him feel rewarded. This is a way you can build him up.
Money can also be a telling barometer of where a man is coming from, or what a man’s intentions are. One woman I know named Carla dated a man named Guy, who made it very clear that he couldn’t afford to pay for dates. Guy always had an elaborate explanation as to why he couldn’t pay. Each time they went out, it was a Dutch treat. Nevertheless, he insisted on terms that would be “even Steven.” Fair and square. Without exception.
One time Carla accompanied Guy to a bar with several of his friends. To her surprise, he had no problem buying his buddies one drink after another. He paid for two rounds in twenty minutes, dropping $80 on drinks without thinking twice. “Waitress? My buddy Steve wants another Long Island iced tea.” It was only that morning he had asked his date to pay $7 for her scrambled eggs and bacon at breakfast.
Needless to say, this showed Carla that Guy didn’t have sufficient value for the relationship so she stopped seeing him. Usually when a man insists on splitting a check on the first few dates, he’s showing you right up front he doesn’t value you or the relationship.
Granted, some women refuse to have a man open doors or pick up a tab. They refuse to be “paid for.” A bitch has no problem and no “issues” surrounding being treated well, so she lets a man give—and she allows herself to receive. The nice girl who won’t allow herself to be treated to a dinner, deep down usually doesn’t want to feel obligated to a man and she knows she will be if he pays for dinner. The bitch has no such complex. She says thank-you politely and graciously. And at no time does she feel guilty or obligated. Nor does she feel compromised in any way.
If he’s a student or is truly struggling financially but he still wants to impress you, he’ll suggest doing something that costs less. Or he’ll suggest doing something that doesn’t cost anything at all. He can grab some inexpensive wine and a blanket and take you to a beautiful park. Or, he can get movie screening tickets. Or, he can invite you to a party. If he’s absolutely crazy about you, he won’t let you pay for the tab or go Dutch.
I know of a female doctor named Susie who was living with a man named George, who was also a doctor. She had just graduated and was doing her residency, so her income was less than that of a part-time nurse. George, on the other hand, was a well-established surgeon and was earning a substantial income.
They lived together in his Hollywood Hills home, which was almost paid off; still he insisted that Susie pay a sizable sum of money for so-called “rent.” They also split everything right down the middle: groceries, the electric bill, and so on, with the exception of cat litter and cat food, which Susie was required to buy (since it was her cat).
Whereas George earned half a million a year, almost all of Susie’s disposable income went toward her student loans. Compare the household expenses as they relate to the income of both people:
$ His income is $500,000.
$ Her income is $25,000.
