Usually he didn’t show up for dinner. What upset her most, however, was that Sydney would leave her guessing about his dinner plans, and didn’t call if he was running very late. Sometimes she’d reheat his plate three times before he got home.
She had formed a pattern of saying, “The kids need to see you at the dinner table, Sydney”. But night after night, she found herself reheating his dinner, long after their kids had gone to bed.
Ellen, like many nice girls, was too tolerant. The bitch, on the other hand, would rearrange the dinner agenda. She would
For a few nights he’d pick up some food on the way home. The first night he’d grab some Kentucky Fried Chicken, perhaps. The second night he’d upgrade to a deli. And after the cold pastrami sandwich from the corner deli, he’d have a little Alka-Seltzer to help with the heartburn. It wouldn’t be long before he’d be coming home for a home-cooked meal,
Another woman named Sandy told me about how she felt taken for granted when she was on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor, after she had cooked for her husband, Wade. He had just started eating and then he came over to her and said, “It is really inconsiderate of you to clean the floor right now. That stuff stinks. Could you please wait until I’m finished eating?” She resisted the urge to strangle him.
For the rest of the week, Sandy backed off. She spoke to him very superficially and became a loof. He had to ask her, “What’s wrong?” a dozen times before she addressed what was on her mind. She went from “worker bee” to “queen bee” in just a few short days.
First stop on Sandy’s agenda? A maid. She absolutely insisted on it. Then she addressed some table etiquette. Wade often started eating without her and got up before she ever sat down. She said she didn’t cook for two, so that she could eat alone. She also suggested going out to eat sometimes, even if it was to a less expensive place. Then she stuck to her guns. Not only do they now have a maid, they also have “date night” once a week.
In both of these instances, by altering the “dinner agenda,” the women let their husbands know without words that they, too, had something to lose. Their actions said: “Either we meet in the middle or we don’t meet.” (And you won’t eat.)
Women often make the mistake of going down the beaten path of catering to a man, even when feeling taken for granted. A perfect example is a woman named Laurie who recently called into my radio show. Laurie is a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of money. She ran around for two entire days looking for a special heart-shaped pan in order to bake her boyfriend a cake for Valentine’s Day.
Trivia question: Do you think a guy’s going to care if the cake is shaped like a heart?
He’d probably have preferred a cake in the shape of a wrench or a remote control. In fact, right around Valentine’s Day, and shortly after Super Bowl Sunday, you can get a foot-ball-shaped cake at the bakery. All you have to do is take the little football people off, throw an asymmetrical “Happy Valentine’s Day” on there. Time expenditure? Reduced from two whole days to twelve minutes.
Any woman who feels taken for granted should definitely ease up on the Betty Crocker efforts. It’s true that men say,
The fortune cookie says, it can be delivered. Or, you can pick it up. He can take you out. He can cook on the six-foot beast of a barbecue that he just “had to have.” Think of how much fun it is for him. He can spread out both burgers one on each side of the grill, two feet apart from each other. And the bigger the grill, the more virile he’ll feel when using it.
If he suggests using the grill, definitely encourage it. Then offer to do the dishes. When he starts cooking, set the table like the classy lady you are. Put out two paper plates and two Dixie cups, and plastic silverware. No table linens needed—just fold a couple of Bounty paper towels.
It’s never too early to invite him to participate in kitchen activities. In fact, I’d suggest engaging him on this issue the first time he comes over to your place. Usually by then you’ll have gone out a few times, and there is a comfortable rapport.
Walk him into the kitchen and take him on a nice little “Tour de France.” Say, “Here are the glasses… here are the cups… here are the plates. The drinks are right here. If there is anything else you need, please do not hesitate to help yourself. My home is
While you’re showing your guest where the drinks are, you’ll want to casually add, “I only have one little request. I have a little ant problem and,
Don’t try to be the “happy helper.” He won’t value your efforts when you automatically assume the role of a servant. If, however, you are reciprocating for kindness that he has been consistently extending to you, he’ll think of everything you give as a special treat.
Sometimes changing the routine is a matter of changing the dinner agenda; at other times, it’s a matter of changing the times or dates of your little rendezvous.
A college student named Anita provided a classic example of what happens when a woman doesn’t pay close attention to the way the pattern is set up in the first place.
Anita describes how the pattern was set up. “I saw Dave several times a week. He’d call me on my cell phone after class around 4 P.M. and we’d make plans. He started calling later and later. I’d be on pins and needles all afternoon not knowing if he and I had plans that night. I gave up a lot of activities because he was always keeping me ‘at bay’”.
Women like Anita end up “at bay” for the simple reason that they are willing to wait. Once he knows you’re waiting he’ll make you wait forever. This is when it’s time to
In Anita’s situation, the solution is straightforward. She should make herself less available, and schedule the time he is picking her up at least a day earlier. (Notice that she does not offer to travel to see him.) All she needs to do is ask, “What time were you thinking of getting together?” Dave could respond, “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get off work”. The trick is not to leave it at that. Simply say, “Gee, I may not be here and I’d sure hate to miss you. Just to be safe, let’s pick a time now”.
Whether it’s early or late, agree to a time the day before the scheduled date. If he insists on “letting you know later,” just tell him that your cell phone isn’t working, your pager won’t be on, or you can’t take personal calls at work.
Sometimes men blame a friend. If you hear anything along the lines of: “My buddy is stopping by tomorrow night. I haven’t seen him in a while. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. I can’t be rude to him and throw him out.” Simply say, “No problem. Have a good time tomorrow night.” Then, without showing any “attitude,” tell him you’ll be available to see him a
The alternative is that you waste two hours waiting for a call. That’s two hours you can spend going to the
