He closes his eyes and drops his head down. I watch him contemplate his next words carefully before he moves his hand to point at the couches in the corner of his study. We both walk over and sit down as I wait for him to continue.
“When I first met your mom, she mesmerized me with her beauty. I had never seen a woman who moved like she did, held me captive with just her voice. And when she finally introduced me to you, I didn’t realize that a child could do the same to me. I fell in love with both of you, and vowed to provide for you for the rest of my life. You may not be biologically mine, but you are my daughter, no matter what DNA says, Sydney.”
“Dad …” Tears stream down my cheeks as he continues.
“But watching you grow up has been hard, wondering if you’d ever meet a man who would want to take care of you the way I wanted to take care of your mom. Being the man in your lives was a purpose I needed to fulfill … and I guess a part of me fears that you’ll never find someone who feels that way too.”
I reach for his hand and stroke my thumb over the top of it. “That’s the thing, Dad. I did. I have. Javier is that type of man and I do feel that way with him. He knows all about protecting those close to him. That’s why he went to prison.”
His head pops up at my admission. “What do you mean? Do you know what happened exactly?”
I take a deep breath, nod, and relay the story of how Javier ended up serving two years behind bars. By the time I’ve finished, my father’s shoulders have relaxed and he looks pained in confusion.
“Do you understand now how I could fall in love with him?”
He tilts his head at me. “You’re in love with him?”
“I am,” I reply through enormous tears.
I’m so hopelessly in love with the man but I don’t know how to get him to see that that’s all that matters.
“But he’s convinced that we don’t belong together after what you said to him. I’ve assured him that I don’t care what others will think, but it’s hard for him to look past that. He’s always been judged by the color of his skin, the choices that he’s made, the side of town that he grew up on. I don’t know how to help him move past that.”
“I’m still bewildered that he was willing to go to jail to protect his sister …”
“I know. And believe me, his sister is extremely grateful for that. But now that record follows him around like a black cloud. He gets looks of disdain cast his way out in public, whispers follow him around wherever he goes. He’s dealt with far more grief than just sitting in a prison cell for two years, although I can’t imagine that was a vacation at all. And now you laying into him last night was like the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“Sydney. I’m sorry. I’ve only wanted what’s best for you. I guess I haven’t gone about that the right way …”
“I know that, Dad. I do. And I’ve only ever tried to live up to your expectations because I didn’t want to let you down. Seeing you be disappointed in me is like a knife to the gut. But it also kills me when you don’t trust me to make decisions about my own life. I know what I feel for Javi, and yes, I could be wrong one day down the road. But isn’t that the risk you take anytime you fall in love? People change, circumstances change … but finding someone to face it all together with and grow together with is the goal. And he is a man I could see doing all of that with.”
My father takes a deep breath and then blows it out, biting his lip in contemplation. “I’m not sure when you grew up, but somehow it happened right before my eyes. I’m sorry, Sydney, truly. I just want you to be with someone that cherishes you the way I do, that sees how truly remarkable you are. You are still that little girl in my eyes that stole my heart twenty-plus years ago. I guess I need to accept the fact that you are strong enough on your own.”
I stand up and join him on his couch, pulling him in for a hug. As his arms encircle mine, the warmth of his embrace brings on another round of tears. My relationship with this man has always been complicated, but I think that’s true of any parent and child dynamic.
There comes a point when we realize that our parents are people too, not these humans we’ve placed on a pedestal that can do no wrong and make no mistakes. On the other hand, there must also come a point where our parents realize their children have become adults and are responsible for their own decisions and happiness. Finding the balance between those two truths has proven difficult for me and my dad, but I think we’re finally getting there.
I leave my parent’s house later that afternoon, contemplating reaching out to Javi to let him know I spoke with my dad. But a part of me thinks that telling him my father has started to accept us, especially so soon after last night, might not be the best decision. I can hear Javi chastising me for trying to fix this all, when ultimately it’s him that needs to accept us and want it enough to fight for it. That little slice of pride deep within urges me to wait for him to approach me, especially after what I said to him last night.
No matter how much I love the man, he is acting like a coward. I
