“This is all I have to offer you, Sydney,” I say with my arms outstretched, gesturing to the guest house I’m living in on my sister’s property. “I don’t have money and lavish things. I work two jobs just to keep myself comfortable. I spent years in a prison cell for letting my anger get the best of me. I’m not what you need!”
“I don’t want you for your money, Javi! I don’t need a man for that, haven’t you been listening? You make me feel safe, cared for, cherished. You showed me how powerful sex can be with the right person. You made me feel alive when I’ve been living in a shell of a body, fighting to break free for years. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what you gave me.”
I shake my head. “I’m not good enough for you. How do you think it looks to people for a lawyer to be dating an ex-con?”
“I don’t give a shit about what people think anymore! That’s the entire point! I don’t care about them. All I care about is you.”
“I know what you need, and I’m not it. I can’t fucking give you everything you deserve, not with my mistake living and breathing in black ink on paper.”
“What you did? Protecting your sister like that? That’s not a mistake. That’s the most fierce form of loyalty I’ve ever heard from someone in my life.”
“But that’s just it! I didn’t protect her! He got to her, ruined her before I had a chance to rip him to shreds. I failed her and prison was my punishment, the consequence I fucking deserved for letting her down. And the more I realize it, the more I’m accepting that I’m just going to let you down too.”
“That’s not true …”
With my arms out wide again, I cut her off. “I feel like I’m fucking drowning right now, Sydney, swimming upstream against a current that’s about to take me under and I’m not that good of a swimmer to begin with.”
With a soft shake of her head, she gives me a pointed look, but it’s the words she speaks next that gut me. “Don’t worry, Javi. I hear cowards float.”
She turns away from me and heads for the door, her hand landing on the knob as she pauses with her back still toward me. “When you realize your mistake, it might be too late. I don’t know how else I can convince you that you make me happy. I’m so flipping in love with you that you pushing me away right now feels like the worst betrayal I’ve ever felt, especially since I know you feel it too. You’re just as bad as my father for letting him win, for letting him tear us apart when I honestly believed we were stronger together. Let me know when you’ve grown the fuck up, Javi.”
And with those words, she walks out of my door, leaving me heaving with anger as I hear her car start and see her lights pull out of my driveway. I punch my couch and then fall back into the cushions, vibrating with so many emotions, it’s hard to name just one.
Fear. Disappointment. Self-loathing. Rage.
And a pain so fierce, my chest feels like I’ve been ripped open and my heart has been purged from the cavity within.
I let her walk away from me. And she told me she loves me.
And I know I have no one to blame but myself.
Chapter 30
Sydney
The sun peeks through the crack in my curtains, causing me to flinch from the light. With one eye popped open, I groan and roll over, seeking more sleep even though it’s pretty much useless. I barely fell asleep around four this morning after I left Javi’s house and came home and cried in my pillow. And as I lift my head and glance at the clock, the stroke of nine has just passed. I guess five hours is all I’m going to get right now. Perhaps there will be a nap in my future.
Unfettered regret fills my gut as I lie there and look at the ceiling. A part of me knew that taking Javier to my parents’ house for dinner was a risky move, but the other part of me knew that we couldn’t avoid my parents forever. If I wanted a chance at a real future with him, we had to cross the bridge eventually. I wouldn’t be the first girl who’s dating a man that her parents didn’t approve of. But I also didn’t want to be the girl who let her parents influence that choice either.
Javi may have a past and has made poor choices in the past few years, but the man I know today is not a man to fear. He’s dependable, passionate, and incredibly hardworking. He cares for me in the way I need—a blend of soft and hard that makes me yearn for his touch and companionship at the end of the day. He’s a man I could see myself marrying, building a life with full of laughter and obstacles that we would face together.
But now that vision is blurry and I’m afraid it might never clear up.
I wasn’t naïve to the fact that my father was going to say something to Javi to stir up his doubts, but I thought the faith I had in him to believe in our relationship was stronger than it was apparently. I can’t blame Javier for questioning the differences in our lives, our families, and our upbringing, but I also know that a person’s past doesn’t dictate their future. And the future I wanted with him has now gone to shit after one evening with my parents.
As I roll out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, sullen and bloodshot eyes stare back at me. I cried so hard last night that I knew I’d face the repercussions today. I throw my hair up in a
