I’ve seen friendships ebb and flow. I’ve lost friends because of silly mistakes and a lack of communication. I’ve watched as friends edge out of the room slowly, backing away from the bond we once had. At other times, I’ve been so caught up in my own life I’ve turned around and realized a friend is no longer there. They got up and left, and I didn’t notice.
How to deal with losing a friendship
It’s only natural to feel sad or upset, but accept that people come into our lives for a reason – sometimes to teach us something or introduce us to a new way of looking at life. The friendship may be over, but carry with you any life lessons you’ve picked up along the way.
Accept that the friendship is over but allow yourself to look back at the good times and feel happy.
Look at the friendships you do have and what you love about them. Surround yourself with positive people who you enjoy spending time with.
If you’re still friends with them on social media, allow yourself to unfollow them or – if you’re worried about blocking them – simply mute their account so it doesn’t show up in your feed.
You can still want the best for someone even if you don’t want them to play a big part in your life any more. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If you miss them but you simply drifted apart rather than had an epic fallout, feel free to send a Christmas card and update them with your news from the year, tell them you think of them and wish them well.
It’s important to remember, you might grow apart from a friend for a while, but sometimes life draws you back together again. If there’s been no toxic breakup, I think it’s a good idea to keep the door to friends open and let each other come and go as much as you both want.
If you feel like you’ve neglected a friendship and it fizzled out because you didn’t put enough effort in, don’t be too embarrassed to get in touch. Send a card in the post saying, ‘Saw this and thought of you’ or a text. If you don’t hear back, they’ve clearly moved on with their life, but you have nothing to lose.
‘Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships: Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.’
Taylor Swift
The Friendship Formula survey…
Have you ever let a friendship fade out?
‘Plenty of times! I’m a real believer that you have friends for reasons, seasons and forever. Most of the time I let it go. People will come back into your life if they’re meant to.’
‘Distance has made friendships fade. I feel I am still holding on to my best friend from secondary school but do wonder if we’d be friends if we met today.’
‘Yes, a very good friendship lasting five years simply faded out when I found a new career and she found a new friendship group who prefer to party.’
‘More so as I’ve got older – I think I’m more accepting of it now. Just because you lose touch, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a successful or worthwhile friendship.’
‘In the past I tried to force it to continue, now I just let it fade out. You can only have so many meaningful friendships.’
‘If friends disappoint you over and over, that’s in large part your own fault. Once someone has shown a tendency to be self-centred, you need to recognize that and take care of yourself; people aren’t going to change simply because you want them to.’
Oprah Winfrey
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Toxic fallouts
We’ve looked at friendship circles and letting friendships go when they naturally fizzle out – but have you noticed any red flags? The toxic.
It’s time to take an inventory of your own friendships. Negativity in friendships is unhealthy, and it’s important to recognize the signs so you can either make changes or end the friendship for good. Yes, there are ups and downs and even disagreements and fallouts, but conflict shouldn’t be central to any relationship. If there are people in your life who regularly upset you, make you question your self-worth, put you down or try to control you, it’s time to step away.
Brexit. Boyfriends. Booze. Bullying. There are many catalysts that can cause the toxic end of a friendship. You may have once enjoyed a balanced and healthy friendship, but sometimes people change and if you’re no longer enjoying a fulfilling and happy relationship you have to give yourself permission to put your own needs first and walk away.
If you’re thinking about some particular friends in your life, here are a few things to consider:
You do NOT have to agree with your friend on everything
Many of my friends have different views to me on politics and religion – two topics that are notoriously controversial – but we can still enjoy discussing them because we respect each other. Debating and discussing contentious issues can help you see another point of view, expand your knowledge and reinforce your viewpoint. Be willing to listen. Talk about it reasonably and feel free to agree or disagree. Remember, surrounding yourself only with people who agree with all your opinions can create an echo chamber – and is quite frankly boring! But don’t allow someone to belittle your beliefs.
What are your friendship deal-breakers?
While you might be able
