In the UK, revealing what you earn is still fairly taboo. According to the survey, it’s even more taboo for women: 80 per cent say they’ve avoided discussing their salary with family and friends, while 32 per cent feel uncomfortable talking about it altogether. I don’t know what my friends earn, but I was shocked by the results of the survey and the impact your salary can have on mates.
Money does impact on friendships to some degree, and when planning time together it can play a huge factor – but, for me, friendship is worth more than any amount in the bank. We’ve all had that one friend who found themselves earning more than others and moved into a different network of friends who can afford to splash their cash. Ultimately, though, it’s all about compromise and communication. If money is tight, tell your friends you haven’t got much spare cash and suggest a free-ish fun challenge – each take it in turns to organize a get-together for under a set amount of money each. Or let friends know you’re short on cash before you book a dinner – take control and decide on a cheap and cheerful venue. Better still, if you’re able to play hostess, cook a budget dish and ask everyone to bring a bottle.
When it comes to birthdays, true friends would rather spend time with you than have expensive gifts. A small, meaningful gift is better than money splashed on something fancy with no thought behind it. Get creative. Some of my favourite presents have been paintings, a book with a heartfelt message written inside or a homemade cake. Love doesn’t cost a thing.
When the pay gap becomes glaringly obvious in a friendship, acknowledge it but don’t make it a big deal. Either of you can feel awkward if it keeps rearing up as an issue, but investing in your friendship is more important than the amount of money you spend when you’re together. We all go through periods when we have more or less cash to play with, so treat your friends when you can.
Friendship fallouts
In 2017, a study of 2,000 UK adults found that the average person has sixteen friends and acquaintances – but they don’t actually like three of them! Which explains why they’re let go from the friendship circle.
The survey found these were the top fifteen reasons we don’t like our own friends:
1. Having nothing in common.
2. Being too bossy or controlling.
3. A difference of opinions.
4. How they behave when they’ve been drinking.
5. Being too high-maintenance.
6. Leading different lifestyles.
7. Use of language.
8. They’ve let you down.
9. Sense of humour.
10. How they treat their partner.
11. They’ve changed.
12. Political affiliations.
13. How they treat their children.
14. Not liking the people they hang out with.
15. Being blanked by them.
When I look at this list, I see some issues that can be talked through and resolved and others that are too toxic to have in your life. So, what to do when you find yourself in this predicament?
Deciding to let go!
Ask yourself the following questions when considering letting a friendship go:
♦ What is the purpose of this friendship?
♦ Are they a good friend to you?
♦ What has changed?
♦ Are you both responsible for the change?
♦ Do you want to put more effort in or can’t be bothered?
♦ Can the friendship grow?
♦ Do you miss them if you don’t see or hear from them for a long time?
♦ How do you feel at the thought of only keeping in touch casually – upset, relieved, guilty?
♦ Are you ready to let the friendship go?
You might find that there’s a lack of time but you don’t want to give up on the friendship. Speak to your friend and say something like, ‘We don’t have enough free time to see each other as much as I’d like, but let’s try to get something in the diary and make sure we catch up as regularly as we can.’ You’re committing to the friendship even if it’s only once or twice a year. That might be enough for you both. Or you might realize you don’t even want to broach the subject, and while you wish them well, you don’t miss having them in your life. Give yourself permission to let them go, guilt-free!
The Kindfulness guide to friendship
Allow yourself to phase out a friendship if you no longer think you have anything in common. Do you feel you should maintain a friendship but not sure how? Suggest things you like to do – trip to the cinema, day out at a theme park, spa day, shopping – and if they’re not interested, take it as an opportunity to mention that you don’t seem to have much in common any more.
If a friend always feels the need to control your time together – picking the activity or venue, times and who can or can’t join you – it can really take its toll. If you want to salvage the friendship, organize some time together without their input; if they object or try to take control, take the opportunity to explain that you BOTH need to decide on plans. In my experience, friends who need to control the time you spend together suffer from anxiety or lack of self-confidence, so it’s always worth broaching their mental health too.
Suggest group activities with other mutual friends and stop seeing them one-on-one. This might be enough for you. Take a moment to notice your friendships and if you’ve been shifted from one circle to another without realizing. Don’t take this personally – especially if it
