The first day of university was a turning point in friendships. After the initial introductions in halls we headed down to the first dinner. I remember the hall warden standing up declaring, ‘Look around you now, because the person sat next to you will be your friend for life.’ New housemate Ruth and I looked at each other with sheepish smiles, but that moment sealed the deal. She was my new best friend. And, while circumstance means we’re not always at each other’s side, we’re best friends for life.
As I’ve said, my sister Leanne has set a high bar when it comes to friendship. She’s my ultimate ride or die. So my closest friends – men and women – are all epic people who hold a special place in my heart.
With my BFF Ruth, we don’t see each other as much as we’d like due to distance and family – her brilliant husband and two boys – but we continue to invest in our friendship. We’ve been through a lot together: breakups, bereavements, marriage, children, career issues, health scares and more. Our friendship is totally different to how it was in our university years because our lives have taken different paths, but we share more than just history.
‘The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for prime minister.’
J. K. Rowling
I think friendship is a bit like taking part in Strictly Come Dancing: you need clear communication, patience, endurance, trust, kindness and compromise. You take it in turns to lead – when one can’t see the direction you’re going in, the other guides the way. Sometimes you break apart for a solo moment, but you always come back together and you always forgive each other for the occasional misstep and mistake.
While the best friendships are equal, the reality is they’re not 50/50 all the time. Sometimes you rely on the person more, or they lean on you, but, ultimately, it’s a partnership. In fact, your best friend could end up being the love of your life. Over half of Brits aged 25–44 are now single and, according to the Marriage Foundation, half of millennials in the UK will never get married. Best friends have never had such an important role in our lives.
New research conducted by the personalized gifting website The Book of Everyone asked 1,027 women aged sixteen and over about their closest female friendships and found that on average a UK woman has six significant female friendships throughout her life and that women spend 67 per cent more time improving their romantic relationships compared to their friendships – and 30 per cent of women are more likely to cancel plans with their best friend than with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Ouch! This research also found that the average female friendship span for women in the UK is sixteen years – six years longer than the average romantic relationship.
Despite what we’ve seen about the growing importance of female friendship, it seems some women haven’t got the memo yet.
The recipe for friendship
The following are my must-haves for close friendships:
Kindness
The number one attribute we all look for in a friend. A friendship will not prosper and grow without simple acts of kindness.
Honesty
You should be able to tell your best friend anything and expect an honest answer, delivered with kindness. If their idea of honesty is too brutal, you can ask them for a more tactful view!
Give and take
In an ideal world, the effort put in by both friends should be 50/50, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Sometimes it will be up to you to make more effort and invest time in your friendship. The ebb and flow of a friendship is natural, but always keep an eye out in case you get stuck in giving 80 per cent for too long. If you begin to feel taken for granted, it’s up to you to communicate your needs.
Communication
From keeping in touch and making each other feel wanted to resolving any conflict, sorting out your differences and learning to talk about your needs. Lack of communication – and a hesitation to express disappointment or hurt – seems to be one of the main reasons friendships fall apart. Better to talk things through with kindness at the heart of the matter than let things fester and see a friendship turn sour, leaving both parties confused and frustrated at where it all went wrong.
‘I don’t know what I would have done so many times in my life if I hadn’t had my girlfriends. They have literally gotten me up out of bed, taken my clothes off, put me in the shower, dressed me, said, “Hey, you can do this,” put my high heels on and pushed me out the door!’
Reese Witherspoon
Shared humour
This is the basis of so many close friendships – the same outlook on life, finding the same things funny, but never making the other person the butt of a joke.
Dependability
You can rely on each other and trust their word. You know they won’t let you down at the last minute without a valid reason or explanation.
Independence
Your lives complement each other, running in parallel, but you’re not
