Juggling friends
Some people actually wish they had fewer friends. The obligation to stay connected with people in our lives can be overwhelming. There can be a nagging guilt in not being a good enough friend and giving enough of your time or attention to everyone. But fear not.
A 2016 study found that only half of perceived friendships are actually mutual! I hate to be the one to break it to you, but many of the people you consider friends only think of you as an acquaintance, and there are probably many people you have happily popped into your outer circle of friends who think of you as one of their closest! That’s right, up to half of our friendships are actually unreciprocated! So, as you move people between your circles, be prepared to be moved in and out of other people’s. I think sometimes it happens due to circumstance, and can be subconscious or very much deliberate.
As you get older, your circles are likely to shrink. According to a study led by Cheryl L. Carmichael, we spend our twenties in ‘identity exploration’ mode. I’ll put my hand up right now to spending my twenties dating unsuitable men, partying with some hardcore drinkers and trying to be friends with everyone I met along the way. My inner people-pleaser was more than happy to bend over backwards and make everyone else happy, while I seemed to forget to seek out what made me happiest. It’s a decade spent trying to figure out who we are by socializing with lots of different people, exploring the different facets of yourself and seeing which feels the most like ‘you’.
Once you’re in your thirties, and perhaps forties, it seems we’re settling into our true selves, and it’s the quality of our socializing rather than the quantity that has a positive effect on our lives. If you follow the traditional life choices – marriage and children – this will naturally impact on how much time you have to spend with friends too.
Professor Carmichael has said: ‘As individuals approach their thirties, social information-seeking motives wane. Identity exploration goals diminish with the transition into better-defined and more enduring social roles.’ As we get older, our need to seek out new friends and experiences slows down. We know what we like and do more of the same rather than trying new things.
There are some big differences between my friendships in my twenties and thirties/forties…
♦ I’ve stopped being happy to crash on people’s sofas and have started craving my own bed at the end of a night out.
♦ Nights out tend to end before midnight on a week night (most of the time!).
♦ Weekends away are spent with godchildren as well as their parents – and I’m just as happy staying in and catching up as I used to be going out.
♦ I spend less time with my ‘party’ friends and more time with people who like dinner with their alcohol.
♦ Brunch with the girls sometimes includes a baby or two in tow and we love it.
♦ Long-distance friendships are maintained by travel, social media, FaceTime and WhatsApp voice notes.
♦ I know when it’s time to let a friend-ship go.
The circle of life
These are my kind of people. Genders are interchangeable, just see who fits into your circles…
The Twin
The person most like you – but that means they may have your flaws too. You can clash but also be the closest. More like a sister, your bond is blood even though you’re not related.
The SOS sister
Your 3 a.m. emergency contact. Your get-out-of-jail card. The one phone call you’d make when you’re in trouble. Calm under pressure, cool in a crisis. You might not spend all your time together, but they’ve got your back.
The Prosecco and popcorn pal
It’s not always deep and meaningful but they’re your go-to person for fun nights out, healthy debate and the must-see movies. Reliable, trust-worthy and always the first to book the latest event, we all need a go-to gig person in our lives.
The older and wiser woman
Need some sage advice, they’re the one you turn to. Career, relationships, life choices – an older woman has been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. She’s also the one who checks in with you regularly just to see how you are.
The flighty friend
She floats in and out of your life, but that’s just enough. You’d never give up your friendship even though you only catch up once in a blue moon.
The best bad influence
Has a heart of gold but always leads you astray. Whether it’s one too many drinks, insisting you ‘just put it on your credit card’ or encouraging you to say yes to an unsuitable date, she’s always up for some fun.
The school friend
You go waaaay back and they are the keeper of all your teenage secrets. You shared some of the big moments in life: first period, first snog, losing your virginity and learning how to mend a broken heart. There’s a special soundtrack just for the two of you.
The adult friend
You met as grown-ups but bonded over being teenagers at heart. You cover every topic from Brexit to boys and bank balances (or lack of). You muddle your way through adulting together and are bonded for life.
The soul sister
Your everything. Your sister from another mister. She’s your everything and life just wouldn’t be the same without her.
The far-away friend
You met travelling or at work before one of you made the big move abroad, and now you’re in different time zones with social media keeping you informed of each other’s daily antics and the occasional FaceTime, making sure the bond stays intact. You invest enough to never give up on what you have, and on those rare occasions you do get to see each other in the flesh, it’s like you’ve never been apart.
The hustler
Never stops; always trying new things. You admire
