‘I had a tough time last year, I was going through a lot of shit. She always sent me little messages, and even sent me your first book, Kindfulness, as a surprise in the post once!’
‘When I had a disagreement with my boss over my contract, she was there to make light of it and help me feel less anxious.’
‘I think you should embrace every friendship that you come across, especially at work. We spend so much time there, we need to have those friendships to keep us human.’
‘I’ve sat next to the same person at work for the last ten years, so she’s definitely my ‘work wife’. We chat all day and I tell her things that I wouldn’t tell some of my closest friends. We have similar personalities and have got each other through incredibly tough times at work and in our personal lives. We’ve worked together for a long time and I know her probably as well as I know my best friends outside work.’
‘I do believe that female friends can be worse to each other than male friends, simply because, for whatever reason, women have a stronger emotional language. We’re encouraged more to use that… We talk about what we’re feeling about deep things. Maybe they’re not even particularly deep, in the grand scheme of things, but they’re things that matter to us. So, when you give someone that power, you’re showing them where your buttons are. If you pick wrong, and someone turns around and short-circuits those buttons, I think it hurts more.’
Anne Hathaway
7
Letting go of a friend
It’s over. Sometimes it fizzles out or disappears so slowly you barely notice; at other times there could be a major drama that sees a shock end. There’s no way we can carry every friend we ever make through our lives with us. Remember that magic number, 150? As new people come into our lives, something – or someone – has got to give. We make way for new friends, the ones who really do bring us joy, by letting go of others.
It can be both liberating and unsettling as your friendship circle shifts. Adulting often feels like a never-ending quest to please others, but there is one person who you should be putting before anyone else: yourself. It can be painful to see friendships sacrificed, bonds broken, feelings discarded, but along the way you’ll make new friends and invest in people you have more in common with.
Why do friendships change – and how do we let go of good people, guilt-free?
Breaking up is hard to do
Often friendships fade away because of a lack of balance. We all know that the best kind of friends reciprocate the time, energy and dedication we put in. When it feels off-kilter, it can really challenge your commitment.
As our lives take different paths – careers, relationships, travel, children – friendships come under pressure, and it takes effort on both sides to continue. While we once had everything in common, changing lifestyles can dramatically impact on people’s availability and means to do things together.
Even if you continue to spend time together, one or both of you may grow frustrated at the quality of the experience. You can both end up feeling taken for granted. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’m going through the motions in a friendship rather than relishing it, which leaves me feeling confused and questioning my worth. Long-term friendships may grow in parallel, closer, or apart. The things that drew us together in the first place may no longer exist. That magic connection dissolves over time. Unlike marriage, we never exchange vows with our best friends. It’s an unspoken promise to be in each other’s lives – and we’re not obligated to friends the same way we are to our partners or even family members.
Friends are elastic and friends won’t hold you back from falling in love, pursuing your career or travelling abroad. Best friends support each other in their life choices, even when it means you won’t see as much of them anymore. Because best of friends – the ones whose hearts are truly connected – never lose their bond.
Friendships ebb and fade with frequency. A 2009 study by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found in a seven-year period most people had replaced half of their friends, with only 30 per cent of close friends remaining so. Sometimes, however, friends drift apart, consciously or not.
Distance
Physical and emotional. You can have a BFF at work one minute but, when one of you leaves, you realize the friendship never actually went much deeper than office talk. Yes, you talked about your personal life and problems over lunch, but when it came to getting a date in the diary one night after work, neither of you got round to it.
Other mates might move to another town – or even country – and while you stay in touch on social media, visiting them is just not a priority and the friendship slowly fizzles down to Christmas cards. They’ve naturally moved from your inner circle to the outer one. Neither of you are hurt by this, it just seems like a natural progression.
Friendships sometimes slip away from us so unexpectedly and quietly we don’t even notice, and then when we do, it feels like too much time has passed to reach back and grasp them by the hand. We’re all guilty of maintaining a friendship for history’s sake. You’re not emotionally invested in them but can’t bring yourself to cause a fuss and cut ties, especially if they are part of a bigger friendship group.
Money matters
When it comes to friends, financial imbalance can play a part in a relationship shift. Money – or lack of it – can cause a huge issue in friendships.
One UK survey found that half of ‘low earners’ have cancelled plans with friends because they worried it would end up being too expensive,
