Moral dilemmas
Some of the most important friendships in my life have ended not because of distance or lack of time but a dynamic shift in the other person’s life. There was a friend who distanced herself from me, leaving me hurt and bewildered. It turned out she’d had stuff going on in her personal life she thought I’d judge her on. She was wrong and had cut me off for no reason. Another friendship came crashing down because she had left her partner for someone else but continued to lie to her ex about the new relationship for months. The situation made me into a liar and I lost all respect for the way she was treating her ex. Know your boundaries. It’s not about judging other people, but if friends act in a way that makes you uncomfortable you are entitled to a) call them out on it and b) walk away from the friendship guilt-free.
Frenemies and signs of a toxic friendship
It can start small. A little retort that throws you but is followed up with a smile, leaving you confused. Did your friend just diss you or are you being ‘oversensitive’? As someone who has been described as ‘too sensitive’ by people in the past (and it wasn’t meant as a compliment), I believe that it’s a lazy, rude and demeaning way to dismiss a friend’s feelings.
I’ve learnt that I might be sensitive, but if friends feel the need to point this out, they also need to take a long, hard look at their behavior which is provoking my sensitive and emotional response. In my experience, friends have been very happy to enjoy the benefits of my sensitivity – the ability to feel a shift in their mood, an empathetic ear when they want to offload, a soothing counselling session when times are tough – but on a couple of occasions my feelings have been all too easily dismissed.
If friends are happy to enjoy the best side of your sensitivity, they should also respect the emotional side that comes with it. People misspeak and often it’s without malice, but if you notice a pattern of behaviour from a friend in which you feel like they are putting you down, dismissing your opinions or ideas, quashing good news with their own, or clearly questioning life decisions you have full confidence in, it’s time to take a good look at that person and decide if having them in your life brings you happiness.
If anyone makes you feel diminished, belittled, used or humiliated, you need a serious conversation with them about their behaviour and how it makes you feel, or you need to walk away. Often this kind of toxic behaviour is fuelled by jealously and resentment – classic frenemy traits.
The Urban Dictionary defines a frenemy as: ‘A person in your life (usually friend of friend or co-worker) who you get along with and whose overall company you enjoy but who will cut you down at virtually any opportunity with mostly backhanded compliments or jabs. Always roots for you to do good but just not better than them. Normally stems from some jealousy to any or all aspects of your life.’ Sound familiar? Yep, me too.
My rule is to give them one chance. Have a conversation about how one example of their behaviour made you feel and explore it with them. If that behaviour doesn’t change, make a conscious decision not to spend time with them. People often aren’t aware of how hurtful their actions and words can be when they are so caught up in their own pain, and sometimes pointing out that what they said was hurtful and rude can be enough of a wake-up call to stop the behaviour and get your friendship back on track.
Signs of a toxic friend
Confused about whether a friend’s behaviour is toxic or just a bit off? Consider the following…
They ask to catch up but spend the whole time talking about themselves and showing no interest in you. Their personal psychodrama is intense and you keep being pulled into it, leaving you drained and frustrated.
Shows little sympathy for your problems and is likely to hijack an issue as their own, explaining they’re going through the same thing only a million times worse.
Only sees you on their terms – as and when it suits them with little regard for you, making you feel like you revolve around them.
There’s an ongoing joke and you’re the punchline. Even when you don’t laugh or explain that you don’t find it funny, they keep the joke going at your expense in front of others.
They put you down: your choice in partners, TV shows, hobbies or clothes. Sometimes it can be really subtle: ‘You like that? Really? OK…’, leaving you wondering if you’re over-analyzing what that meant. If this is a constant in your friendship, they are undermining your decision-making and wearing down your self-confidence.
They put down other friends of yours, making it difficult for you to socialize together as a group and leaving you feeling very awkward.
They sabotage your happiness by making you doubt yourself. Rather than supporting a new health kick, career change or relationship, they encourage you to rebel, cheat, take a day off, not tie yourself down, just be happy with what you’ve got. ‘You used to be so much fun/don’t be boring,’ etc.
Co-dependent friendships that turn toxic
Many of the friendships I’ve experienced or witnessed that turned sour have been co-dependent. By that I mean, one party is the ‘taker’ – often bouncing from one life crisis
