While this kind of friendship can happily last for years with both people satisfied and fulfilled by their roles, it can also come to a head. The ‘taker’ may experience some personal growth that leads to a less dramatic lifestyle, leaving the ‘giver’ feeling unwanted and no longer needed. Or the ‘giver’ could begin to feel that the support only goes one way and starts setting boundaries that the ‘taker’ doesn’t like.
Givers can begin to suffer from ‘compassion fatigue’ where they feel put-upon and exhausted by supporting others; they may realize they need help to be more assertive in friendships, validating themselves rather than relying on being needed by others to make them feel good about themselves.
Sometimes there can be a fallout between the friends when they don’t feel their needs are being met – I’ve witnessed a ‘taker’ move on and find another ‘giver’ friend, while the ‘giver’ finds a new ‘taker’ friend in crisis to support. Sadly, it’s a cycle of behaviour not often recognized by those personally involved until one of them may decide to enter counselling or therapy and recognizes repetitive behavioural patterns they can change.
Either way, it’s not the healthiest of relationships and both people should recognize that and move it onto a more equal footing, being there for each other in times of need.
Having a difficult conversation
You’ve got something you need to get off your chest but you don’t know how to say it. Broach a difficult conversation with kindness at the heart of it and a clear intention to set a boundary. Try: ‘You know the other day when you said/did xxx? I actually found it hurtful. I wanted to find out what motivated you to say/do it, so we should talk it over and clear the air.’
By starting the conversation like this, you’re calling them out on their behaviour but clearly stating you want to discuss it and still be friends. No doubt they might be defensive, but a real friend will hear you say you’re hurt, and apologize. You can call attention to their behaviour without punishing them and open up a dialogue which clearly shows you won’t put up with being treated like this in the future.
If they laugh off the comment or dismiss your attempt to open a conversation about it, repeat what you said: ‘But I was hurt by what you said/did.’ No one should dismiss your feelings, and this should be a strong boundary set so the behaviour isn’t repeated in the future.
If they still don’t take what you’re saying seriously or suggest the hurt is due to your sensitivity instead of their actions, try: ‘I understand it might not have been your intention to offend me, but your words/actions did.’
Hopefully this will be enough to elicit an apology and modify the way they talk to you in future. You’ve drawn a very clear line that they should respect. If you experience something similar in the future, it’s much easier to refer back to this conversation. ‘Remember when we talked about the way you made me feel when you said/did xxx? You’ve done it again by xxx.’
Repetitive behaviour of this kind suggests your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries. While hurtful, this is not the kind of person you deserve in your life, so I’d say it’s time to call time on the friendship and walk away knowing you gave them a chance, explained their behaviour was hurtful and set a clear boundary.
Before you cut a friend out
Before you make the decision to remove a toxic friend from your life, check in and make sure there’s not something bigger going on which is causing them to act out in this way. Surely they weren’t like this when you became friends? (If they were and you’ve just realized it, please feel free to step away now.)
People’s behaviour often changes in times of crisis. If they have suddenly started distancing themselves, it could be because of something they are going through rather than something you have done. You are allowed to be hurt but also have to accept we can’t control other people and that their actions are not a reflection of your worth.
Open up a dialogue and tell them you are there for them if they are going through something difficult. If they dismiss it out of hand, you have done the right thing by offering support and can walk away without feeling bad about it.
If there is no cause and you tolerate their bad behaviour, you are enabling them. The longer you don’t speak up, the more you are signalling that you accept the way in which you are being treated, and the longer it will continue. They might not even be aware that their treatment of you is rude.
The few friendships I have had turn toxic have often been due to their behaviour after drinking alcohol. When you call people out on this, you’re often regarded as a bore, uptight, a killjoy, etc. Ultimately, however, if someone’s attitude and the way they act upsets you, causes anxiety or ruins your time together, you are entitled to ask them not to drink so much. If they refuse, spend less time with them. You are not responsible for another adult, and if your time together is spoilt by alcohol there is a problem – and it’s not yours.
How to deal with a toxic friend
You’ve had a conversation and explained their behaviour has upset you but you feel the friendship is over – what next?
Limit your contact
Many of us find the idea of ending a friendship dramatic and overwhelming, but you can limit your contact with the person and see if there’s a balance you can maintain. If you still care for them, arrange to see them in a group
