Let it go
If you’ve had that conversation and/or limited your time with them and your friend is still upsetting you, walk away. You can explain in a letter or message, or have a conversation with them. Tell them that you’ve become increasingly upset by their attitude towards you, especially when A, B, C happened. Don’t bring anyone else into this; it’s just between you. Say you wish them well in the future but you have to take a break from the friendship because it’s not good for your personal well-being. It might be just the shock they need to take a look at themselves and remedy their behaviour so they get in touch and you can move forward tentatively, but many people may not be able to deal with it. In which case, you are better off without their negativity in your life.
Managing the fallout
If you decide to end a friendship there can be a ripple effect within a friendship group and cutting a person out could be socially risky for you. You will no doubt be questioned about what went wrong by mutual friends. In my experience, explain that the behaviour hurt you and left you with no choice but to walk away. Don’t get into a bitching session. Slagging someone off will only reflect badly on you. You may find friends share their own experiences of the person hurting them, or this might be isolated to you. Don’t ask friends to take sides. This is your experience and the best thing you can do is walk away and be happy.
Ghosting
Ghosting someone is hurtful, whether it’s a friend or within a relationship, but often it’s about the other person, not you.
A friend of mine had a girlfriend disappear from her life for no apparent reason. They’d spent the day together, said they’d meet up again soon and then nothing. No texts, no calls, no interaction on social media. Months went past. She felt ‘upset, betrayed, angry and shocked. It was as bad as a relationship breakup’. It was the not knowing why and second-guessing herself. She assumed she’d done something wrong. Three months later her friend reappeared in her life with a text to say that she’d had a bad breakup, things had gone wrong in her life and she’d retreated. An explanation at last but my friend said, ‘It was so disrespectful I couldn’t forgive her.’
Ultimately, friendship is about communication in good times and bad. If you’re going through a rough patch – days, weeks or even months – let your close friends know, even with a text to say, ‘Having a hard time at the moment and not up to socializing. I hope you’ll understand. Taking some time to regroup and hope we can see each other when I’m back on my feet.’
If someone disappears from your life and you’re feeling helpless, upset and confused by their actions, take back control. Write them an old-fashioned pen-and-paper letter explaining that you don’t know why they walked away from your friendship but you deserve to be treated better. You wish them well in their lives but anyone who lacks the good manners to explain why they no longer want to spend time with someone they once considered a close friend doesn’t deserve your love and energy. Hopefully this will give you the closure you need to move forward.
The Friendship Formula survey…
Have you ever had a friendship turn toxic?
70% Yes
30% No
‘She lied to me and slept with my fiancé!’
‘I’ve learnt never to mix business and friendship. It turned out I was being used for free services and as soon as I stopped allowing them to use me for freebies or discounts they bad-mouthed my business, spread untrue rumours causing loss of clients.’
‘Yes, always over a boy – they either slept with or kissed a boy I was interested in!’
‘A friend was always belittling me behind my back and the icing on the cake was she had an affair with my now ex-husband.’
‘I was gradually frozen out by a group of friends. The worst thing was our children were friends and they froze my daughter out too! Bitches!’
‘We were due to go away on holiday together but instead of booking a holiday with me she booked a solo holiday and didn’t give me a reason.’
9
The death of a friend
I met Katie Haines on her birthday, although I didn’t know at the time because it was her first day in our office and she didn’t mention it until later that day.
On 2 February 2010, Katie wrote on my Facebook wall: ‘Just remembered, I started at [magazine] on my birthday so it’s my anniversary with you and Karen [our mutual friend] this week!’
That was the kind of woman she was – celebrating our ‘friendship anniversaries’.
We met working on a celebrity magazine and quickly became great friends, gossiping about boys and sharing a bottle of wine after work with our mates. Katie left to work on another magazine but she’d soon had enough of celebrities and ended up working as a press officer at the University of Oxford. A ‘proper job’, we laughed. I was really proud of her.
Despite moving in different social circles and living far apart, we always kept in touch and arranged nights out when we could. I remember going to stay at her house, doing a pub crawl in the town and ending up playing darts in the pub with her boyfriend
