Sadly, Katie isn’t the only friend I miss. My ex-colleague, Gavin Reeve-Daniels, tragically died from pancreatic cancer in September 2014. He was the funniest man I have ever met and I was lucky to sit next to him when we both worked at a celebrity magazine, where he entertained us with jokes and drew comedy sketches. He helped me take myself a little less seriously, put things in perspective and regaled me with stories of his cat and baby son. He left us for a shiny new job and our office was never the same following his departure.
Less than a year later, news broke that Gavin had cancer. Stunned, we sat asking, ‘What can we do?’ Often in these heartbreaking situations, friends are left wanting to help and feeling useless.
We were determined to show Gavin just how much he was loved. As I already organized charity pub quizzes, I suggested we held one to raise money for a charity of Gavin’s choice – Macmillan Cancer Support – and Gav Aid was created. In less than six weeks, a small team, which included Gavin’s incredible wife Leesa and journalists who had worked with Gav and adored him, planned a pub quiz which took on a life of its own: two rooms because so many people wanted to come and support Gav, celebrity quiz hosts and DJs, hundreds of quizzers from the world of journalism and PR. Gavin gave the most powerful speech I’ve ever heard in my life, a battle cry against cancer, and we raised tens of thousands for Macmillan Cancer Support.
Gavin dealt with his terminal diagnosis with grace, dignity and humour. He died suddenly, leaving all who knew him heartbroken. There was anger, sadness and a natural feeling that life just wasn’t fair. He was one of the good ones. Cancer really is a bastard.
A year later, Team Gav Aid reformed in Gavin’s memory. We got a bigger venue, more celebrity faces, more quizzers. A night tinged with sadness and tears as family members spoke in his place and his battle-cry speech from the year before was shown to a roar of applause. We raised thousands, this time for Pancreatic Cancer Action.
We took our disbelief and anger that Gavin and his family had had to suffer in this way and channelled it into the only positive thing we could think of – raising money and helping others.
Both Katie’s and Gavin’s deaths left a path of anger, pain, tears and frustration in their wake. Their stories do not belong to me. Both their families have kindly allowed me to share them here – because I couldn’t write a book about friendship without thinking about the people who have left an imprint on my heart.
We deal with a tsunami of emotions after the death of someone we love – friend or relative. Grief is, as the famous quote goes, the price we pay for love.
Lessons from grief
This is what my experience of losing a friend taught me about grief.
When a friend dies, you are entitled to your grief. Of course, our bereavement is different to the devastation of their family’s, but do not feel guilty for your grief. You may find yourself in a position where you are supporting your friend’s family or other friends and not able to express your own grief. Find a mutual friend, or someone who didn’t even know them, and talk. And talk some more. Grief is not selfish. And, just like love, I believe it should be shared.
If you’re supporting someone who has lost a friend, be patient. Don’t shy away from mentioning their name. Check in on them regularly in the weeks and months after. Remind them that they can talk about their friend anytime, and encourage them to share memories. Just listening is really all you need to do.
Be honest with work colleagues in the weeks and months after the death of a friend. Many things can trigger a wave of grief and it’s better that your managers and friends at work know that you’ve suffered a loss so you can excuse yourself and take a moment if you need to. There may also be someone you can talk to at work, so get in touch with HR and see what support there is for you.
Allow yourself to feel sad. You’ll no doubt be wracked with guilt for going out partying soon after a loss. I know I was. Grief can make you behave in ways you wouldn’t usually do: drink too much; have sex with people you shouldn’t; take uncalculated risks. So, while people might want to take you out and ‘cheer you up’ at some point after your friend’s death, one too many drinks can see you sobbing in the corner or unleashing your fury. Ask friends to look after you when you do go out and make sure you get home safely.
There is no timeline for grief. Loss is something you carry forward with you in life, not something you get over. Don’t put pressure on yourself.
Grief manifests itself in many ways, impacting on your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Looking after every aspect of your health is vital, especially in the early weeks after a loss. You may not feel like it, but getting outside in the fresh air, taking a walk and simply breathing will do you the world of good. Eat well. Avoid drinking too much. Don’t forget, alcohol is a depressant. Don’t be embarrassed to seek help if you need to: go and see your doctor, a counsellor or mental health specialist if grief triggers anxiety or depression. You owe it to your friend to take care of yourself in the same way you wish you could take care of them.
If you’re feeling lost and frustrated, channel your anger into doing something positive, like raising money for charity. Don’t suppress your emotions but do give them an outlet. It helps to
