This means that, as your inner circle of friends drops from five of the people you are closest to and is now made up of your partner and three others, two close friends are moved into the next circle – and the friendships can naturally deteriorate. ‘If you don’t see people, your emotional engagement with them drops off and does so quickly,’ Professor Dunbar has said. ‘The intimacy of a relationship – your emotional engagement with it – correlates very tightly with the frequency of your interactions with those individuals.’
William Rawlins, professor of interpersonal communication at Ohio University, has also found marriage can be the catalyst that ends even the closest of friendships. ‘The largest drop-off in friends in the life course occurs when people get married,’ he has said. ‘And that’s kind of ironic, because [at the wedding] people invite both of their sets of friends, so it’s kind of this last wonderful and dramatic gathering of both people’s friends, but then it drops off.’
It’s a sad fact that some friendships simply fade away like a Polaroid photograph, never to be transformed into multicolour again – something to look back on with fond memories and smile, but definitely belonging in the past. No one gets more than twenty-four hours in their day and the needs of family – a partner and children – will undoubtedly take priority over those of friends. When you know you’ll be leaving your family short if you fill up friends’ glasses first, it’s friends who will end up being thirsty for your time.
Changing nappies and changing friendships
Sometimes it feels like I’ve been standing at the top of the parenting path for the past decade clinging onto my gin and tonic with an inane grin on my face, waving to my friends as they skip off together into the sunset, pushing their Bugaboos with glee while swapping weaning tips.
Friends brush past me – men with their mini-mes tucked into a papoose, women who have had baby number two in their early forties – to gather in the play park. I’ve watched for over fifteen years, so now many of my mates have teenagers, tweenagers, toddlers and teething tots – biological, adopted, surrogate, how these beautiful children got here is irrelevant. Some are with partners, some are alone. All are families.
I was recently asked by someone I’d just met, ‘Do you have a family?’ I knew exactly what she meant. A family of my own. But I wasn’t sure how to answer, so I replied, ‘I have a mum, dad and sister but if you mean my own… no.’ There are many reasons a person doesn’t have children. If a man or woman doesn’t, any conversation should be approached with caution. Quite frankly, just don’t even ask, because it’s none of your damn business. For some it is a choice, for others it’s not. Either way, the crack that is created between friends when babies come along can become as wide as the Grand Canyon if you BOTH don’t throw in some time and love.
Priorities change. That’s a given. Becoming a parent is all-consuming, and friendships are the first thing to be shelved, to collect a fine layer of dust until mum – or dad – are ready to put their child down, pick up their friend, dust them off and try to re-establish the friendship.
New mums can struggle with feelings of isolation, depression and a loss of identity. Childless women can face insensitive questions and assumptions about why their wombs have remained vacant. There is so much sensitivity surrounding motherhood – the decision to have a child, the surprise unplanned pregnancy, the yearning for a baby when you don’t have a partner, infertility issues, the loss of a child, and so much more. It’s no wonder women’s friendships can become fractured when baby talk begins. I’ve seen resentment build between mums and non-mums. Children bring so much to our lives but they make everything a lot more complicated, right?
I’ve also been given the gift of other people’s children in my life. Being an aunt, godmother and honorary auntie is one of my most fulfilling and proudest achievements. Of course, these kids have transformed the friendships I have with their parents, but if the relationship was based on love and understanding rather than cocktails and gossip, it’s much easier to go the distance. You adapt. Take a crash course in mum-talk. Support your mate through the ups and downs of motherhood – because, ultimately, mums are all rock stars with a mini-entourage. My advice to non-mums – join in, because it’s a hell of a ride!
Life and confidence coach – and mum of two – Charlie O’Brien says…
‘When babies arrive on the scene inevitably friendships change, especially if one of you has children and the other doesn’t. But it absolutely doesn’t need to be the end…
Childfree…
If you’re the friend without children it may feel like the woman you’ve loved, confided in and got horrendously drunk with for years has been lost to a savage sea of nappies, vomit and baby talk. And you’re partly right. Your friend has gone through the biggest life shift there is. She has been reborn as a mother. Her baby is the centre of her universe and quite rightly so – but underneath the pile of baby washing she’s still the same woman she always was. And chances are she’s desperate for adult conversation, a night out and a G&T!
Lunches, coffees and evenings out will take more forward planning than they used to, but you can be a
