Memories – and therefore grief – can come out of nowhere and smack you so hard in the face you feel you’ll need reconstructive surgery. I broke down at a rugby sevens tournament in Hong Kong months after Katie’s death because they played ‘our song’ – I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas – which we’d danced to at her hen weekend and then wedding. When Grey’s Anatomy played Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars during yet another death scene I was a snotty mess. That’s Katie’s song.
One day you will be able to look back at Facebook memories in your timeline and smile instead of sob. You’ll swap stories of drunk nights out with your friend’s family. If you can, catch up with your friend’s relatives and see mutual friends so you can reminisce, look back and laugh. If you don’t see them in person, make the effort to keep in touch on social media – especially your friend’s parents, partners and siblings. Their grief is insurmountable and the fact that their loved one is still remembered by friends for years to come will mean a lot.
Live your best life. Pay tribute to your friend by living your life to its fullest. Don’t feel guilt for the extra years you’re given that they miss, but make the most of them. Make happiness your only goal.
Appreciate your years. When Katie died, I promised myself I’d never complain about ageing. So, while my grey hairs make me roll my eyes, the laughter lines around my eyes multiply each year and my left knee clicks and creaks, I remind myself to be thankful for all the signs of ageing. Growing older is a privilege denied to many wonderful people.
You’ll still cry for your friend randomly at times. And that’s OK too.
Andy Langford, chief operating officer at Cruse Bereavement Care, says:
‘The death of a friend, especially a close friend, can be absolutely devastating. There is no hierarchy in grief, so regardless of whether you are a family member or a friend, the death of a loved one can lead to debilitating sadness and grief and that needs to be recognized. Unfortunately, the death of a friend can be underestimated by society and in the workplace. Under the Employment Rights Act 1996, most employees have the right to take time off work if the person who has died is a dependant. This can mean that your employer might not give you time off after a friend has died, which can be incredibly difficult if you are grieving.
People who are grieving for a friend can assume their grief isn’t as important or as serious as the family’s, and they can feel guilty for showing their feelings. We all grieve differently and should not feel guilty for how we feel after the death of a loved one; we all deserve the right and space to grieve. The death of a friend can also affect relationships within the wider friendship group. We all experience grief differently and whilst some members of the group may want to regularly meet up and talk, others may feel isolated and alone. It can be difficult to predict and can cause conflict, which is common after a bereavement.
Everyone’s grief is unique and there is no right or wrong way to feel after the death of a friend. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself by eating regularly and getting some rest. You might find talking to someone who knew the friend who has died helpful. Expressing your feelings through talking or writing can help you to open up about how you are feeling.’
Cruse Bereavement Care say it’s important that you take care of yourself following the death of a loved one. Here’s their advice:
Do...
♦ Talk to other people about the person who has died, about your memories and your feelings.
♦ Look after yourself. Eat properly and try to get enough rest (even if you can’t sleep).
♦ Give yourself time and permission to grieve.
♦ Seek help and support if you feel you need it.
♦ Tell people what you need.
Don’t...
♦ Isolate yourself.
♦ Keep your emotions bottled up.
♦ Think you are weak for needing help.
♦ Feel guilty if you are struggling to cope.
♦ Turn to drugs or alcohol – the relief will only be temporary.
10
The parent trap
There is one thing that I believe is 100 per cent guaranteed to change any friendship: parenthood. It’s a subject discussed by all my friends – mums and child-free women like me. The blessing of a baby can create wonderful new bonds and also tear friendships apart. While men may find friendships shift after one or both become a dad, it seems women’s friendships are impacted even more.
Let’s not assume all family set-ups are the same – I have friends who are same-sex parents, single parents, dads with full-time custody of their kids – but the one thing all mums and dads have in common is a severe lack of free time. Wind back the clock to before that bundle of joy came along and many of you will know that a friendship comes under threat long before the pitter-patter of tiny feet. People often feel cast aside when a friend falls in love and disappears to get to know their new partner.
This isn’t an anti-marriage or anti-relationship rant, I promise! But having seen friendships slip away after the exchange of ‘I dos’, it’s time to explore how to maintain friendships when partners and kids come into the picture – because the responsibility lies with both friends.
Love you, bye!
One University
