Mums…
If you’re the one consumed with breastfeeding, baby-grows and sleep schedules it’s important you don’t forget your child-free friends. Motherhood is all-consuming, especially in those early sleepless days, but there is nothing more refreshing than FaceTiming your best mate and chatting about something non-baby related. Keep your bond strong by taking an interest in her accomplishments, achievements and, of course, her stresses. Women without children can often feel sidelined as everyone around them starts families. It can be a lonely time.
Remind your friend that, even though it may be a while until you feel up to a night out again, she’s always welcome at yours for a takeaway and a catch-up. All relationships take work and compromise especially through periods of change, and it’s great to remind yourself about why you became friends in the first place.
Becoming a mum doesn’t mean you only need ‘mum friends’. In fact, it’s wonderful to stay close to those who knew you BEFORE you had children. They will help you hang on to your identity outside of motherhood. Sometimes relationships end; people change and friendships drift apart – and that’s OK too. A friendship takes work and love on both sides and, if one party stops doing that, it may be time to move on.’
My guide to helping friendship survive motherhood
Mums…
When you have children, the freedom you once enjoyed all but disappears; your friendships will adapt, change and some will fall by the wayside. When your free time is limited, you’re allowed to be fussy about who you spend it with, so it’s only natural you’ll concentrate on your inner circle and let some friends go. Do it guilt-free. The best people will keep in touch, check in on you, ask if you need help and be there to take you out for the night when you feel ready to leave baby at home for the first time.
As a parent you have to put your child’s needs – AND your own – first. That can be hard for any friend to accept, but if they are not willing to adapt and come along for the ride, they can’t offer what you need in a friend anyway. Send us photos of your kids, tell us their funny stories, make us part of their lives, and don’t be afraid to reveal your parenting fails too. You are our window into motherhood. But NEVER utter, ‘You won’t understand because you’re not a mum.’
Try to put aside a day or weekend, even just once a year, to spend with your best friends without your children. We know it’s a big ask, but when you give us your full attention (phones away please) it feels like we have our old friend back. Investing time in your closest friends will pay off in the long run too – who do you think will be there to babysit/do emergency school pick-ups/be there for your teenager to confide in/spoil your kids rotten?
Non-mums…
You have to get used to half-listened-to conversations when there’s a baby about, and when your friend gets up and walks away in the middle of a deep and meaningful chat to tend to their kid you bite your tongue. They also forget what you were talking about and seem distracted, mostly because sleep deprivation is a form of torture they suffer every night at the lungs of their little one. Don’t take it personally. Accepting your new place in your friend’s life takes time, but if your friendship runs deep, invest time with your mum friend now and you’ll create a whole new role in her life and the baby’s.
Planning is everything. There are no impromptu get-togethers. There will often be a start and finish time to any social event revolving around naps/feeding/bath/relieving the babysitter. Get used to it. Diarize, make the most of the time you have together sans kids, and embrace the madness of spending time with your friends’ kids too. It’s a real honour to be part of a child’s life and the bond you build with them is really special.
Mums speak in another language, which they became fluent in seemingly overnight in the maternity ward: Mum-glish. New words and phrases are introduced: mastitis (instead of Merlot), sleep training (not gym training) and NCT (nothing to do with SJP). Make the effort to learn so she can talk to you in her hour of need. There will be new ‘mum friends’ around, but don’t assume she feels comfortable discussing everything with them.
Be patient. You’ll miss the life you had with your friend before babies, but don’t wallow – embrace the change, throw yourself into your auntie role and have fun. Friends’ kids are a great excuse to be a big kid yourself – I have far too much fun with face paints, rollercoasters, zombie stories, teen movies, hide-and-seek, laser tag and Baby Shark than is probably decent for a child-free woman of my age! And I love it.
Dear mums,
a letter from your non-mum friends…
I love you. And I love your child. But things have really changed between us since you became a mother. The joy you have in your life makes me happy, but I miss the old us too.
I want to be part of your life but can’t help feeling rejected. You don’t have time for me like before. I get it.
I’m supposed to be a grown-up about this, and understanding, but sometimes I just feel you slipping away from me.
I miss our nights out. And gossiping for hours. Comparing hangovers and dating disasters.
Our lives are so different now,
