I like spending time with your kids – they are hilarious – but I’d like more time with you just by myself, to discover what we still have in common as two friends. But I’m scared that we’ll realize we don’t have much in common now after all.
So I’ll be patient. I’ll learn all about Iggle Piggle and homemade slime. I’ll make sure I always remember your kids’ birthdays. I’ll sympathize when you’re exhausted and not compare it to when I’m knackered from a night out. I’ll listen to your mum worries and try to sympathize.
I promise to be here when you want to talk. But let’s make sure it’s not just about mum stuff. I’ll try not to be jealous of all your new mum friends that you have loads more in common with than me now.
I want you to know I love you. And I’m so proud of the mum and woman you are.
Jo Wimble-Groves, aka mum blogger Guilty Mother, says…
‘When I met my husband, he was already aware of how important my friends were to me and he accepted that he would have to share me.
I consider myself lucky to have had the same best friend since I was twelve years old. She hugged and scooped me up when my parents divorced in the most unamicable way and I was the one who had to move out. In our twenties, we supported each other over disastrous boyfriends. It was always our relationship that remained the most stable.
During our three decades of friendship, we have seen each other at our best and at our worst. We’ve weathered storms together and seen both our husbands become terribly unwell and supported each other as they both recovered (to a degree). We watched each other have children and I was one of the first to hold her third baby in the hospital.
As we became parents, the juggling act really started to crank up a notch. These busy, full-on days mean that we often go weeks or even months without seeing each other. My advice? If they are the most loyal of friends to you, then when you see them, it should feel like you have never been apart. If you have at least one friendship like that, make sure you hold on to it tight.’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Have you lost a friend when they became a parent?
45% Yes
55% No
‘When I had kids, a close friend didn’t contact me. Another ghosted me. They were both undergoing IVF.’
‘I’ve resented the changes a baby brings to a friendship, particularly as I suffer from infertility and have been going through treatment.’
‘I’ve struggled with friends having kids but only because I have been so desperate to have my own.’
‘I miss my friends when I don’t see them as much, but I don’t resent them or anyone.’
‘Give it time – people come back once they are no longer drowning in parenthood.’
‘Roll with it. Embrace it. Become a part of the family. Those children will keep your friendship going for far longer. Because they’ll keep asking to see you too.’
‘Accept that the friendship changes more for them than you. Don’t assume they can’t come out. Keep inviting them but have realistic expectations.’
11
Just good friends?
The age-old question: can men and women just be good friends? Did they even manage to answer it properly in 1989’s When Harry Met Sally?
In my teens, my closest friend was actually my mate Ian who I met when I was about fifteen. He’s been a constant in my life ever since, and although we don’t see each other as much as we’d like, I know he’s always there for me.
Going to an all-girls school meant I lacked male friendship until I changed school for my A levels. There were boys around, and my attitude to friendships between the genders changed. For the first time in my life I had a group of guy friends who I was close to. The only rule to being one of the lads was I couldn’t snog any of them (or rather, they couldn’t snog me). However, some of those boys liked to complicate things… Which led me to question whether men and women can really just be good friends. It seemed there was always an attraction on one side or the other.
Anyway, these guys taught me that it’s possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex without snogging getting in the way – and I’m still friends with many of them to this day. They showed me the special bond between guys and the difference between women’s friendships and men’s.
Here’s what I learnt about being friends with boys:
♦ Men don’t hold grudges the way women do. They are quicker to let disagreements go.
♦ Sometimes we don’t see each other or speak for years, but the expectation that the friendship hasn’t faltered is still there. We just pick it up where we left off.
♦ They don’t over-analyze what you say. My male friends take things on face value and never expect to read between the lines of what I’m saying.
♦ There’s no point being subtle or dropping hints. Just get to the point and don’t expect them to be a mind reader.
Friendship between men and women is a fairly recent phenomenon. For hundreds of years women only spent time with male relatives, potential suitors and then their husband. The idea that straight men and women could be friends and nothing more was questionable until more recent decades.
When I was younger there were complicated platonic friendships, but in my adult years I’ve had some fantastic friendships with men with no hint of sexual tension. I’ve had other great friendships with guys I’ve fancied but never told. I’ve also asked out guy friends believing there was more to their attention only to be directed to the
