‘I’ve been friends with two guys since nursery and we’ve never been anything other than friends.’
‘I feel some kind of sexual chemistry always gets in the way. I think people have a much stronger bond with friends of the same gender as them.’
‘I have had and do have male friends where I believe there are no feelings. We have fun together, can provide advice that someone of the same sex can’t and the sex thing doesn’t have to get in the way.’
‘As a man it’s so important to have female input into your life. I have a whole load of female friends and instead of a best man I had a best woman at my wedding.’
Friends with benefits
So you’re just good friends… and there’s an attraction. Maybe an alcohol-fuelled flirtation. You end up sleeping together – and decide to keep having sex but just as friends. Are friends with benefits a good idea or is a fallout inevitable?
One study in 2005 by Mikayla Hughes, Kelly Morrison and Kelli Jean K. Asada identified the motivation for people to seek friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationships: relationship avoidance, sex, relationship simplicity and emotional connection. There are many advantages to a FWB agreement. You can enjoy sex without romantic complications but within the safety and trust of a friendship. A step up from casual sex, many people enjoy the ease of a FWB arrangement, and on paper it seems like the ideal set-up – there’s an attraction but not enough to develop into a romance, you don’t want to commit to a relationship or you may have come out of something long-term and are looking for something less intense.
A FWB relationship often fizzles out when one or both people meet someone they have a romantic connection with and decide to be in a committed relationship instead, leaving the friendship side of things intact. Of course, there are rules to FWB. If one of you is more emotionally invested than the other or develops feelings, things can get very complicated and the friendship can come crashing down – so communication and honesty is key.
There’s always the possibility that FWB turns into something more serious. Look at Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who ironically both starred in movies about this very kind of friendship arrangement: Mila in Friends with Benefits (2011) and Ashton in No Strings Attached (2011). The pair started out as friends after meeting on the set of That ’70s Show in the late 1990s. Mila was only fourteen, Ashton was nineteen. Many years and a few relationships later they started adding benefits to their friendship.
‘We were in similar movies and we should have paid attention to them because this doesn’t work in real life. We clearly didn’t pay attention and we shook hands on it and said we would just have fun. We literally lived out our movies,’ Mila has said in an interview. ‘He had just got out of a marriage and I had gotten out of a relationship. But we were in agreement that it was just fun. And three months later, I was like, “This isn’t just fun anymore.” And then a year later we wanted to get married. I think it took everyone by surprise.’
While moving from FWB to a relationship is rare, it isn’t impossible. Have fun, stay fun and just be honest!
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘When it comes to “Friends with benefits”, it will only work if you’re on the same page. It may seem like a great idea on the surface, but usually the situation works better for one partner than the other. It’s almost inevitable that some sort of feelings will develop for one of you. This can cause all sorts of problems surrounding jealousy, a sense of ownership, or that you’re owed a certain level of exclusivity. Proceed with caution!’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Have you ever had a friend with benefits?
48% Yes
52% No
‘Yes, it didn’t end badly, we just went separate ways.’
‘During my single days there were always some friends you could turn to if desire struck!’
‘We both moved on with partners and the benefits ended there.’
‘I ended up having stronger feelings than I planned for him and he’s now my fiancé!’
‘We enjoyed benefits for a while and then stayed friends but moved on with our personal lives.’
‘It was a short-term thing, to fulfil our needs in a safe manner. We’ve met other people and are still friends.’
The ex files
A quick note about staying friends with exes, as this seems one of the most divisive topics.
For many, the idea is hell. Personally, I think it all depends on the ex and what level of friendship you take away from a breakup. I’ve remained friends with most of my exes, at least on a basic level of Facebook and the odd text. I’ve also been to the weddings of ex-lovers, happy to see them married to the love of their life. Yes, it was slightly awkward making small talk with an ex’s parents, and there was a cringe moment when a groom’s best friend proceeded to inspect my empty ring finger, only to be shown my middle one instead.
I don’t think there’s one rule for staying mates with a past love. If you still care for each other, and new partners don’t have a problem with it, then keeping in touch and meeting up is lovely.
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘Staying friends with your ex is totally possible, and completely healthy, if you’re both firmly on the same page. No, not even that, you have to be same line, same word. If one of you has residual feelings then it just won’t work.’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Can you stay friends with an ex?
32% Yes
18% No
50% Depends on the ex
‘I don’t think it is important but if you ended mutually as just friends and enjoy their company then it’s the same as any other friend. I do think this is much
