‘Yes, because I love them as a person and would miss them being in my life. I just don’t fancy them!’
‘They are part of your history and if it ended on good terms then why not remain friends? You obviously had a connection to begin with and it would be a shame to lose it if things ended ok.’
‘He’s not ‘in my life’ but we are in touch because we dated for a long time and had a mutual break up.’
‘My past relationships have always been too intense to just be friends.’
‘I don’t think it is important that they are still in your life. Just makes things less awkward when you bump into them.’
‘Sadly, I haven’t managed this due to new partners not being comfortable with me being friends with my ex.’
‘Yes, we’re friends because ultimately they were a great friend – not a great boyfriend!’
12
Social media mates and meeting IRL
Pokes. Likes. DMs. RTs. Shares. There’s a whole other language on social media with a bunch of strangers who are online friends and potentially friends IRL (in real life) too.
I was an early adopter of Friends Reunited (remember the thrill of a school pal finding you while avoiding others?!), Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I loved being able to communicate with friends around the world online. In fact, I ended up incorporating it into my job, and the digital world later became my career. Funny how things turn out, right?
Since the launch of Facebook in 2004, more than a billion people have created Facebook accounts. Americans spend about 56 billion minutes on the site each month! There are many glorious things about social media – but I want to flag some of the more dangerous things, too.
Digital platforms can be full of infighting and smoke and mirrors, projecting images of a perfect Insta life. An online life is not somewhere you should live but simply visit, while remembering it’s somewhat of a wonderland. Have fun, use it to support good causes, spread positive messages and bond with like-minded people – but beware the trolls and negativity, and don’t be drawn into comparing your real life to other people’s online profiles, which are often heavily edited and filtered.
We’ve looked at friendship circles in Chapter 4, but of course those don’t include your social networks. Professor Robin Dunbar from the University of Oxford admits digital platforms can increase the total number of friends we can have at the same time. His studies show that the maximum number of friends it is realistically possible to engage with is about 150, while on social media such as Facebook people will typically have 120–130 friends. Social media has changed the way we interact with people. ‘What Facebook does and why it’s been so successful in so many ways is it allows you to keep track of people who would otherwise effectively disappear,’ Professor Dunbar explains. A 2015 study by Adriana M. Manago, a psychology professor at the University of California, found that millennials have a wider network but their feelings of fulfilment from these interactions are heavily based on shallow connections and public perception.
Lurking – reading posts on social media and watching what people are doing without engaging or posting yourself – isn’t particularly good for your well-being or mental health. If you only spend time on social media to gather information about people’s lives and compare them to your own, you’re going to come away feeling bad about yourself. Facebook – or Facebrag in the case of many people – only offers a glimpse into your friends’ lives, while Instagram images are often heavily filtered.
Research suggests that social media can lead people to think that their peers are doing better socially than they are. The 2017 study found social media posts are predominantly focused on projecting the most positive versions of ourselves. Well, of course! The digital world is seen as a benchmark to compare our lives with others, and often the fallout of that is a feeling of failure, envy and FOMO (fear of missing out).
However, having a huge group of online friends can result in ‘friendship lite’, according to social psychologist Sherry Turkle – meaning we can have lots of surface connections but a lack of deep and meaningful friendships in real life. It’s important to cherish those friends we have in our real lives and be fully present while in their company rather than distracted by social media.
Remember:
♦ Just because you’re having a good time doesn’t mean you have to document it to the world.
♦ Take photos and videos at an event but save the posting until after, so you can fully enjoy your time with friends rather than worrying about which hashtag to use.
♦ Put your phone away during meals. OK, you can take a photo of your food if you have to, but then it goes straight in your bag!
♦ Remind yourself that you’re seeing the best bits of someone’s life on social media while living the reality of your own. They are not comparable.
♦ Keep an eye on how much time you spend on social media compared to time spent with your friends either in person or on the phone. If you realize you’re online more, cut back and make more effort to catch up with your real friends – and enjoy that hug!
I’ll admit, there are people on my Facebook that I probably should unfriend because their status updates annoy me (hello friend!), but it’s easier to roll my eyes if they come up in the feed and keep scrolling than hit that ‘unfriend’ button and face questions by people we mutually know. And don’t forget to say a little prayer to the algorithm gods that their status updates don’t show up in your feed!
If you’re very frustrated but can’t face the social taboo of blocking someone, you can simply mute them so they never pop up in your feed (and even mute them on Facebook Messenger too). Word
