I’m thankful to Facebook for keeping me connected with close friends scattered across the globe. And Twitter for having interesting interactions with people I would never meet in person. And Instagram for introducing me to positive role models and inspirational women. But never forget how important meeting up with friends in real life can be for our well-being. There might be all the feels online but there are no hugs available on the internet.
‘We underestimate how important touch is in the social world,’ Professor Dunbar has said. ‘Words are easy. But the way someone touches you, even casually, tells you more about what they’re thinking of you.’
But what happens when you hit it off online and want to move from virtual to real life?
From online to real life
Keep your expectations realistic. Just because you find each other hilarious in 280 characters or fewer doesn’t mean you’ll be LOLing in person; but if they’re your type on screen, the chances are they’ll be ‘one of your people’ in the flesh.
Social media is a great way to connect with like-minded people who you have plenty in common with. Whether it’s a romantic or mate date, however, always meet somewhere public. You also don’t have to swap numbers – just arrange the details in your DMs and wait until you trust the person to exchange any personal information.
I’ve met a few people after chatting on social media, with mixed results. One was a girl who offered to show my friend and me around and go for a drink while we were visiting Bangkok for the first time. We agreed to meet for one cocktail and ended up staying out until the early hours of the morning in one of the city’s most questionable establishments! She now lives back in the UK but hundreds of miles away, so we haven’t had the chance to meet up again, but we keep in touch – on social media! – and I know we’d enjoy another night out in real life together.
Another social media-to-IRL meeting didn’t go so well. We had a huge amount in common and I was excited to meet her. We talked for a few hours over wine and bumped into a friend of mine who joined the conversation. All went well, although she was very interested in talking about race issues with my mate, who is black. It wasn’t until the following day I found out she’d horrifically offended my friend with some blatant racism when I’d gone to the loo. To say I was mortified is an understatement. You see, you just don’t know someone until you spend time with them in person.
Needless to say, when she followed up to meet again, I explained that wouldn’t be happening, called her out on insulting my friend and suggested she read some relevant books, like Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race. She apologized, but I don’t need or want people like that in my life. My real friends don’t deserve that shit in their lives and I feel terrible that the incident happened on my watch.
So, there’s the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Friendship Formula Survey...
Have you ever met someone on social media and they have become friends in real life?
‘We got chatting about a common interest, ending up attending similar events, and now keep in touch.’
‘Yes, I met my friend on Twitter and we met when I went to London. We liked a lot of the same things and I now count her as one of my best friends.’
‘I’ve got a few social media friends who are now real life friends as we live locally and met up at a group social. We’ve been friends for 10 years.’
‘Yes – a mummy blogger on Instagram.’
‘I started travelling by myself. I went to Australia and Costa Rica as soon as Mean Girls was over. I’m pretty spontaneous so I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was terrified and lonely. You see incredible things and there was no-one to share them with. But I think it gave me a bit of chutzpah and ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done. It taught me I could survive on very little too. I would do it that way all over again, it was life-changing. You get to prove to yourself, what you’re made of.’
Rachel McAdams
13
Loneliness and choosing to be alone
There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. We’re going to look at both. You can have a mobile phone full of numbers or be stood in the middle of a party and still feel lonely. There have definitely been periods of my life when I’ve felt this way, which will probably come as a surprise to my friends. You can be outgoing and seemingly happy but still be very lonely and end up isolating yourself from others as a result – which doesn’t help at all! Often when I’ve felt lonely and neglected, it’s simply because the people in my life assumed I was busy. It’s your responsibility to reach out to people and let them know when you need company or help.
In 2017, charities Relate and Relationships Scotland released a report called ‘You’re Not Alone’, looking at social relationships in the UK. It was found that almost 7 million adults in the UK say they have no close friends, an increase from one in ten as was the case in 2014–15. The study also found that 45 per cent of UK adults say they feel lonely at least some of the time; almost a fifth said that they feel lonely often or all of the time; and, sadly, around one
