While loneliness is often associated with the elderly, it’s actually younger people who are more likely to feel lonely. Almost two-thirds of 16–24-year-olds said they feel lonely at least some of the time, and almost a third (32 per cent) feel lonely often or all the time. In 2018, MP Tracey Crouch was appointed what some have dubbed the ‘minister for loneliness’ to try to tackle the issue of loneliness in the UK. The same year, a study commissioned by the British Red Cross in partnership with the Co-op revealed 9 million people in the UK say they are always or often lonely.
‘Loneliness is a major social, educational, economic and health issue that will reach epidemic proportions by 2030,’ says Professor Stephen Houghton of the University of Western Australia. It could also be putting your health at risk. Researchers at Brigham Young University in Utah found that loneliness can increase the risk of early death by at least 30 per cent.
According to Katie Leaver, author of The Friendship Cure, we need to recognize loneliness and take action. ‘When you find the courage to admit that you are lonely, you claim a little control back for yourself. It is not shameful to be lonely – it is human and it is natural and it is salvageable,’ Katie says. ‘Loneliness is not necessarily the same thing as social isolation. Perhaps the cruellest thing about loneliness is that it can exist in the company of others.’
Back in 2000, Robert D. Putnam published Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, which looked at the disengagement from friends, family, neighbours and community in the US. During nearly 500,000 interviews over twenty-five years, he discovered we belong to fewer clubs, get together with friends less often, spend less time with family and know fewer of our neighbours. Modern life – technology, changes in careers, a varied structure of families – has seen a deterioration in our relationships, which has had a significant impact on our health and well-being. Sad, right?
Social isolation is becoming more common: friends may move away; your job might mean you moving far away from family; divorce can cause emotional and physical upheaval; while many more people work from home too. And, just like happiness, loneliness is contagious. A 2009 study using data collected from roughly 5,000 people and their children found that participants are 52 per cent more likely to be lonely if someone they’re directly connected to is lonely.
So what can you do about it if you’re feeling lonely?
♦ If you feel lonely because you don’t have close friends, start small and challenge yourself to speak to three people every day. They could be in a shop, library, your place of work or the bus stop. Once you get used to making chit-chat, you’ll be more confident about joining groups and clubs and starting conversations with potential new friends.
♦ Be aware that loneliness can lead to depression and other mental health issues. This is something you should discuss with your GP.
♦ Don’t rely on the internet to be your friend. The 1975’s song The Man Who Married a Robot springs to mind. While I’m a big fan of social media, it’s more important to spend time with people in the real world. Use the internet to enhance your life but don’t let it take over.
♦ Don’t keep it to yourself. When we feel lonely, it’s easy to sit in that loneliness – while others don’t even realize we feel this way. Confide in a friend that you are struggling and ask for help or suggestions of things you can do together and with other people.
♦ Look for ways to meet new people (See Chapter 3). Whether it’s volunteering for a local charity, visiting people in hospital or a home, or joining a local club, there are many ways to spend time with people and get to know them.
♦ Find friends through your passions – join a local book club, ramblers, fitness class at the gym, sign up for an art course or night school. You’re guaranteed to have something to discuss and make small talk about.
♦ Ask friends if they know people who would like to join you when you get together for dinner, a trip to the cinema or the theatre, or a walk. Work towards expanding your social circle through the people you know so you already have someone in common and are more likely to share the same interests.
♦ If you work, see if the company has any clubs you can join. Often there are choirs, etc.
If loneliness is really impacting your life, there are associations and helplines on page 188.
Choosing to be alone
I’ve lived on my own for fifteen years, and I love it. I’ve always been very sociable, and during my twenties and early thirties I was out with friends most nights. As I’ve got older I’ve spent more and more time alone – sometimes by choice, other times because I’ve not communicated my needs to friends and family, and occasionally because I’m experiencing anxiety. Mostly, though, being alone in my flat is safe, cosy and a choice.
Throughout my life I’ve found myself on the periphery of friendship groups, rarely in the middle. I know I have a tendency to join in with activities rather than be the organizer. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out myself – how I often don’t feel I truly belong, even with people I know care for and love me.
I’ve also come to realize that I prefer to spend time with friends one-on-one, or in small groups, rather than big gatherings. I shed my social butterfly wings in my twenties and instead love a proper catch-up with people. I often come away from big parties feeling frustrated that I didn’t get to have proper conversations with people. It can feel shallow and superficial to me. This could just be a sign of getting older!
When it
