A 2012 study at the University of Wisconsin showed that it’s impossible to escape from sexual tension. Scientists studied 88 opposite-sex friend couples and found that men were more physically and sexually attracted to their female friends than the women were to the guys. The study found that these men were also more likely to overestimate how attracted their platonic female friends were to them, while the women underestimated how attractive they were to their male friends. Basically, the men assumed the women were secretly attracted to them and the women assumed the men weren’t interested in them sexually. The men and women who said they had no physical or sexual attraction to their friend were in significantly longer friendships when compared to those who felt an attraction.
We can blame evolution for the base belief that men and women can’t be ‘just good friends’. According to lead researcher, April Bleske-Rechek, men tend to be more attracted to their female friends because they face the risk of being genetically ‘shut out’ if they don’t take ‘advantage of various reproductive opportunities’.
All friendship is based on a chemistry of sorts, so it’s easy to see how this can develop into sexual attraction. There will always be some of us who struggle to be platonic with friends – particularly men with female pals if the study is anything to go by.
Back in 2000, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reported that out of more than 300 college students, 67 per cent had had sex with a friend. However, 56 per cent of these friendships decided not to take it to a romantic level after the encounter – they clearly valued their friendship over sex.
A 2017 survey of 6,500 people commissioned by social network MeetMe found more than half had fantasized about sleeping with their best friend of the opposite gender. Nearly 40 per cent had actually slept with said best friend – and two-thirds admitted they would if the opportunity presented itself!
What I’ve learnt about being friends with heterosexual men over the years is that they offer something different and unique compared to my friendships with women and gay guys. My straight male mates offer up a varying perspective on relationships, offer solutions to problems, always make me feel valued and treat me as an absolute equal. While our conversation differs wildly from those with the women in my life, I’ve been surprised by just how similar men and women actually are. I’ve sat with some of my closest guy friends as they’ve shared fertility issues, marriage breakup stories, honest views on being a father and grief.
I think the biggest difference in these friendships is the emotional attachment and commitment. I don’t expect the same level of understanding and support from men as I do women. There’s a deeper level of understanding from women, simply because they are more likely to have walked a mile in my size 5s. According to author Ronald Riggio, research shows that men bond over activities, like sporting events and travel, while women are more likely to share emotions and talk about feelings.
What makes friendships between women arguably closer than those of different genders is that emotional bond – but emotions run high and can also be the cause of conflict and fallouts. Platonic friendship between different genders offers a similar closeness but without the heightened emotional attachment and high expectation of investment from the other person. My male friends seem to be more laid-back in their approach, more casual in locking in plans and chilled if you have to rearrange them. I know this isn’t because they don’t care, they just don’t feel the need to overstate something; just by wanting to hang out with you they feel they are communicating – they just don’t feel the need to make declarations of their (platonic) feelings for you. In my experience, men show you they care about you just by spending time with you. They don’t need to reinforce this with words or big gestures.
I go to England rugby matches with a girlfriend, to the theatre and on holiday with a mixed-gender group. I talk emotions and relationship hopes and dreams with guys as well as girls. So, rather than making sweeping generalizations, I’d preach we should discard the gender stereotypes of friendship and be friends simply because of who the person is and what they bring to your life in conversation, acts of kindness and fun.
Perhaps men’s relationships have evolved. I’ve certainly witnessed the closeness between men I know supporting each other when dealing with a health crisis or death of a parent in exactly the same way a woman would. Ultimately, if you’re a good person, your reproductive organs are not going to dictate the kind of friend you are.
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘We can definitely transcend our animal brains and be friends with members of the opposite sex. For one, we’re not attracted to every single potential partner out there and the longer you know a person in a specific context, in this case as a friend, the less likely you are to want to try and turn that friendship into something romantic. It’s within us to preserve our friendships, so doing anything that may endanger them is usually something we tend to avoid. Having a friend of the opposite sex can be hugely beneficial to you; they can provide a different take on life, one that you might not get from friends of the same sex.’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Do you believe men and women can be ‘just good friends’?
80% Yes
20% No
‘Of course you can just be good friends. I am bisexual so I have to believe this
