The Inspector General

spits and shakes his hands. Aside. Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me! Khlestakov I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my weakness⁠—smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more, brunettes or blondes? Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say. Khlestakov Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes? Luka I don’t dare to know. Khlestakov No, no, don’t evade. I’m bound to know your taste. Luka I venture to report to you⁠—Aside. I don’t know what I’m saying. Khlestakov Ah, you don’t want to say. I suppose some little brunette or other has cast a spell over you. Confess, she has, hasn’t she? Luka Lukich remains silent. Khlestakov Ah, you’re blushing. You see. Why don’t you speak? Luka I’m scared, your Hon⁠—High⁠—Ex⁠—Aside. Done for! My confounded tongue has undone me! Khlestakov You’re scared? There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn’t there? At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn’t that so? Luka Exactly. Khlestakov A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely out of cash. Can you lend me three hundred rubles? Luka Clutching his pockets. Aside. A fine business if I haven’t got the money! I have! I have! Takes out the bills and gives them to him, trembling. Khlestakov Thank you very much. Luka Drawing himself up, with his hand on his sword. I will not venture to disturb you with my presence any longer. Khlestakov Goodbye. Luka Dashes out almost at a run, saying aside. Well, thank the Lord! Maybe he won’t inspect the schools.

Scene VI

Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich.

Artemy	Enters and draws himself up, his hand on his sword. I have the honor to present myself⁠—Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika.
Khlestakov	Howdeedo? Please sit down.
Artemy	I had the honor of receiving you and personally conducting you through the philanthropic institutions committed to my care.
Khlestakov	Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me to a dandy lunch.
Artemy	I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my country.
Khlestakov	I admit, my weakness is a good cuisine.⁠—Tell me, please, won’t you⁠—it seems to me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren’t you?
Artemy	Quite possible. After a pause. I may say I spare myself no pains and perform the duties of my office with the utmost zeal. Draws his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone. There’s the postmaster, for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a fearful state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate for yourself, if you please, and you will see. The Judge, too, the man who was here just now, does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the court rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess⁠—and for the benefit of the fatherland, I must confess, though he is my relative and friend⁠—his conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to see. Well, the moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, the Judge is there with Dobchinsky’s wife. I can swear to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the little girl, are the very image of the Judge.
Khlestakov	You don’t say so. I never imagined it.
Artemy	Then take the School Inspector here. I don’t know how the government could have entrusted him with such an office. He’s worse than a Jacobin freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. Hadn’t I better put it all down on paper, if you so order?
Khlestakov	Very well, why not? I should like it very much. I like to kill the weary hours reading something amusing, you know. What is your name? I keep forgetting.
Artemy	Zemlianika.
Khlestakov	Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, have you any children?
Artemy	Of course. Five. Two are already grown up.
Khlestakov	You don’t say! Grown up! And how are they⁠—how are they⁠—a⁠—a?
Artemy	You mean that you deign to ask what their names are?
Khlestakov	Yes, yes, what are their names?
Artemy	Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.
Khlestakov	Good.
Artemy	I don’t venture to disturb you any longer with my presence and rob you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred duties⁠—Bows and makes to go.
Khlestakov	Escorting him. Not at all. What you told me is all very funny. Call again, please. I like that sort of thing very much. Turns back and reopens the door, calling. I say, there! What is your⁠—I keep forgetting. What is your first name and your patronymic?
Artemy	Artemy Filippovich.
Khlestakov	Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. A curious accident happened to me on the road. I’ve run entirely out of cash. Have you four hundred rubles to lend me?
Artemy	I have.
Khlestakov	That comes in pat. Thank you very much.

Scene VII

Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky.

Bobchinsky	I have the honor to present myself⁠—a resident of this town, Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.
Dobchinsky	I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a squire.
Khlestakov	Oh, yes, I’ve met you before. I believe you fell? How’s your nose?
Bobchinsky	It’s all right. Please don’t trouble. It’s dried up, dried up completely.
Khlestakov	That’s nice. I’m glad it’s dried up. Suddenly and abruptly. Have you any money?
Dobchinsky	Money? How’s that⁠—money?
Khlestakov	A thousand rubles to lend me.
Bobchinsky	Not so much as that, honest to God I haven’t. Have you, Piotr Ivanovich?
Dobchinsky	I haven’t got it with me, because my money⁠—I beg to inform you⁠—is deposited in the State Savings Bank.
Khlestakov	Well, if you haven’t a thousand, then a hundred.
Bobchinsky	Fumbling in his pockets. Have you a hundred rubles, Piotr Ivanovich? All I have is forty.
Dobchinsky	Examining his pocketbook. I have only twenty-five.
Bobchinsky	Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your pocket,