I spoke to her as I worked, cleaning her hands, and pulling out a few small shards of glass with tweezers. Thankfully the cuts weren’t too deep, and I was able to just clean and dress them on both hands. I took the opportunity to check her pulse while I held her hands, and found it elevated, though that wasn’t surprising after the outburst she must have had to cause so much destruction.
“Xander.” She whispered just as I was finishing up the last dressing.
“Yes sweetheart. I’m here.” I looked up and found her eyes locked on me. She seemed more with it, some semblance of light back in her eyes. She looked around, down at the smashed mirror, then upto the, now bare, closet door.
“Oh God!” She whimpered, as though she just realised what had happened.
“It’s ok. Everything’s going to be ok.” I soothed as I turned her hands over and held them tightly in mine.
“It’s not.” She started to cry, great heaving sobs, and I couldn’t take holding back any longer. I hated seeing her in so much pain. She was as much my sister now, as the guys were my brothers, and I couldn’t stand what she was suffering through.
I stood quickly and grabbed her underneath her arms, lifting her like a child. I tucked her tight against me and carried her to the bed. There I sat and cradled her in my lap.
“Come on now.” I soothed, “Enough of this defeatist attitude. Tell me what’s going on and let’s see if we can’t fix it, ok?”
“We can’t.” She whispered. “It’s too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“To change anything. They’re gone, I failed them.”
“You haven’t failed anyone Olivia. What on earth are you talking about?” I asked more firmly, hating to hear her putting herself down.
“I gave up hope, Xander. I gave up and I pushed them away and now…..now they’re dead!”
“Your Mom and Dad?” I clarified, confused. She nodded slowly.
“There was a video,…..they didn’t give up. They searched for me for all of that time. They never doubted that one day they’d f-find me. My Mom…...she said, ‘Never give up hope.’, but I did! I hated hope when I was in The Darkness, because it…..it just made everything so much harder when I never got rescued. I gave up hope and I…..I made myself forget them! I couldn’t handle the happy memories, not when he was…..when it was so bad. I let them down…..I didn’t fight, didn’t try to escape. I was just afraid and weak!” She cried breathlessly.
“Livy, you were kidnapped by a monster!” My words were firm, because I needed her to listen. “When your parents made that message, they had no idea the hell you were going through. They thought that wherever you were, keeping up hope would be what you needed to get through, but they had no idea, Sweetheart.
“No one, especially not your parents, who loved you more than anything, would ever fault you for anything you had to do to survive what that monster did to you for all of those years. It’s a complete miracle you survived at all, but to come out of it as strong and whole as you have, it’s amazing. If your parents were here they would be really damn proud of the amazing person you are. They wouldn’t be disappointed at how you got back to them, what you had to do to survive, they’d just be overjoyed that you did.”
“You really think so?” She asked with all of the innocence of a child.
“I do. I know it’s heartbreaking they’re not here, Livy. I know how much it must hurt to know you will never see them again, but you have to stay strong. You’re doing so well, building a completely new life for yourself, and overcoming your anxieties. Wherever your Mom and Dad are now, they will be so proud of you, and likely a little mad at what you are putting yourself through because of one comment they made, but mostly proud.” I looked pointedly to her, wanting her to understand how crazy her thoughts had become. “All they would want for you is to be happy and safe.”
“I just feel like I’m such a mess, Xander.” She sighed as she sank into me deeper, curling up in my lap and resting her head on my chest. “I just want to stop freaking out, but I can’t. It’s like my emotions just take control, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I was so…..so angry just now. It scared me, and worst of all, I scared the guys.”
“Ok, first of all, no worrying about my brothers. They’re all big boys and they are better equipped than anyone I know to deal with your emotions and everything you’re going through.” I said firmly. “Secondly, you need some help Olivia. I know we talked before, and you said no, but I really think some therapy sessions could help you get a handle on your emotions. You need to process what happened to you, before you can begin to get over it.”
“I can’t sit with a stranger, Xander. I can barely pass one in the street without losing it.”
“Someone could go with you, one of the guys, or Keira. I’d go with you if you like. I have a lot of contacts and I would make sure to find someone you could become comfortable with. We need to find a way to make it work for you, because you hurt yourself tonight Olivia, and that is serious.”
She looked up to me and paled, staring at me open mouthed as she tried to process both what I had said, and the events themselves.
“I didn’t…..at least, I didn’t mean to. I just…..I was so angry and I needed it to stop.” She stuttered, fear in her voice.
“Then tell me honestly, why did you go for the mirror?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, there are pictures and breakables all around you in here, but you
