“I…..I was mad, a-at me. I hated myself for what I have done to everyone who loves me.” She admitted quietly.
“You turned your rage on yourself. This time it was just your reflection, but if this goes on Livy, things could spiral and I’m so worried for you. Can you honestly tell me feeling the pain in your hands when you smashed that mirror wasn’t a release for you too?” I pushed, already knowing the answer. Whether she knew it or not her body was conditioned to pain after what she had been through, and on some level I knew she would find comfort in the familiarity of it, especially when she was so highly strung.
“I….I don’t want to hurt myself, Xander.” She whimpered, her head still hanging down. She was crying, her shoulders shaking a little with the effort. “I just want to be happy, with the guys and my new family. I don’t want any of this anger and hate.” I pulled her into my arms, pressing her shaking body into my own as I held her tightly. She was so small in my lap, so fragile and delicate. I hated what she had to deal with. It was far too much to bear on such tiny shoulders as hers.
“I know sweetheart. It’s going to be ok. We’re going to figure it all out together. You’re going to get past what happened. You just have to give yourself time, and keep fighting.” She gripped my shirt and sobbed for a few minutes, then she seemed to let go a little, and started trying to breathe deeply and calm herself. Knowing she needed to process everything, I just let her hide against me, and comforted her silently, as best I could.
It took about twenty minutes, but eventually she exhausted herself, and slipped into sleep with her head resting on my chest. Her breaths evened out and she relaxed completely against me. I gave her a few minutes to make sure she was out, then stood and settled her in her bed beneath the comforter. She was exhausted and would likely sleep for a few hours.
I watched over her for a while, trying to process what she had been through, and how worried we all really needed to be. She definitely wasn't in a good place, but I still didn’t feel that she was having suicidal thoughts. She definitely had some issues with her perception of herself and her emotions were wild and unpredictable, but those things were to be expected after what that fucking monster had done to her, day in, day out, fpr eitght years. She definitely needed some therapy and I would be pushing with my parents and the guys to make sure she got it, but I was confident that with that professional help, and the love of everyone around her, she would find her way out of the darkness she was getting lost in.
Knowing my brothers would all be out in the hall, losing their minds with worry, I opened the door and stepped out.
“Xander, is she ok?” Kyle asked instantly. He was standing right beside the door, now dressed in jeans, but looking no less panicked. I pulled the door closed behind me, but left a big enough gap so I could keep an eye on her.
Cole stood at the other side of the door, like he was guarding it, and Matt and Kade sat side by side against the wall opposite. They had all dressed, but they were a mess.
“She’s ok. She’s sleeping.” I said hurriedly when Kyle looked ready to hit me if I didn’t answer him. “She’s struggling though. The video, hearing her parents being so strong for her; it sent her spiralling into guilt that she wasn't stronger while she was captive. She thinks she should have fought harder, escaped sooner.”
“That’s crazy. She was a kid.” Kade sighed.
“It is, and I think deep down she knows that. Her emotions are just so unstable, and she has no idea how to control them. She feels like everytime she has an episode, she’s being weak and letting everyone, including her dead parents, down.”
“So what can we do?” Cole asked.
“The main thing is she needs therapy sessions. I’m going to talk to Mom and Dad about it, but you need to encourage her to go, maybe even be firm if it comes to it. She needs some real help to deal with her thoughts and mood swings. It’s important. She’s scared, so I said someone would go with her, even be in the sessions with her. We’ll do whatever it takes, but she has to attend regular sessions.” I explained, leaving no room for question.
“Is she….did she try to….to hurt herself?” Kyle floundered, as though he dare not utter the words.
“Not like you’re thinking, but I am worried she could begin to harm herself if we don’t get her help. She hates herself right now, and I’m worried she could start seeking pain for comfort.”
“Do we need to worry about suicide?” Matt gasped, and he looked horrified.
“No. I don’t think so. She’s strong. She wants to fight, and she wants to get past this. That’s why we have to help her now, because if things get worse and she starts hurting herself, it could be a downhill spiral.” The guys all exchanged terrified looks, and I hated putting them through this. It was clear to see how much they all loved and cared for Olivia. They were terrified they were going to lose her, but we had all ignored Olivia’s need for help for long enough. Whether she wanted it or not, we needed to take action to take better care of her.
“Ok, so she goes to therapy. We can make sure that happens.” Kade said calmly, I knew he was saying it to try
